Grief Doesn’t Have a Timeline: Healing After Loss

Hey, everybody.

Are you having a great day?

Yes.

Oh, no, you're not?

It's okay.

I got you.

I'm Tif Loeffler.

Welcome to Positively Yours.

I'm going to share Tif's tips, techniques, and a little bit of magic

to help you up level and have a great day every day.

Are you ready to get started?

Yeah!

Oh, you're not?

That's okay.

I still got you.

Let's go.

Hello.

Welcome back.

This is a two-part series talking about grief and I so appreciate that

Danielle Benzon is here with me to discuss this because I am...

I have so much that I want to say and also a lot of it is the story that

I'm going through, which is personal.

But I want to also offer to others ways to process and continue to live

because we are still here and it can be very hard and it felt very messy

and not good to talk about things and yet how can things ever change

unless people are willing to start to say, you know, and I'm willing

to enter an uncomfortable conversation to say that grief, it effing sucks.

It does.

And how do you help someone that you see is in grief?

And I have my tip, a guide, an idea, and it is coming back to we have

these devices that are called phones and they do many wonderful things.

They help us communicate with people and there can be the challenge

when you say to someone and if we are still going to continue the

part two of talking about grief, if you're having a challenge saying

something to someone as how to help them and you want to get back to

them because I will tell you there are times just in the best of days

and weeks where you go through a week, you're like, oh my gosh, I was

going to call someone about something and I forgot.

Well, that can happen too.

And you know, the other person is having some difficulty.

So I have set timers.

I have put it on my calendar and I have also set timers on my phone

and it simply says call so-and-so.

And I simply call.

They might not pick up.

I will just leave a message and it can be as simple as just saying

hello.

I'm just, I'm checking up on you.

I love you.

I wish I had anything to say.

I feel it's always, always okay.

Pretty much always okay to say, I wish I had anything revolutionary

or full of wisdom to make it all better.

I don't.

I had to call because I love you and I care about you.

Just any, any of your versions.

It can just be something just as quick as thinking about you.

I'll check up on you again and then set yourself another timer.

And you can text them too.

I left you a voicemail.

I love you.

It is amazing.

You think, what does that, good does that do?

I didn't really, oh, I will tell you.

It does a lot.

When you get, and I don't mean random, I mean just cosmic divine

timing.

The guardian angels are like, oh, Tif needs someone to text right

now and say, boom, here is just what she needed just to get her

through something or just to remind her.

And, and that is, that is just really all I have for

a tip for today.

Something to guide you, just to let you know that the smallest

deeds are grander than the grandest intention.

There's, I've heard versions of that before, but just, you can

have all these lofty ideas of how you want to help people.

Yes, I get that.

I want these lofty ideals.

And also, grab your phone.

Just make a call.

Even if you just write a couple notes, just like, I'm just calling

this person to say hi.

That's it.

Just, you don't have to, there's no flubbing it up here.

You just call and you say, hey, how are you?

Are you okay?

If you're not, that's okay.

I don't know what else to say.

Whoops.

You can even laugh about it.

You can inject some humor, which was lacking in, from me in the

last episode, but that's okay.

I, I didn't have much to say to wrap up because, and I'm glad I

didn't, because you know where I wanted to go?

I wanted to point a few fingers at people who really hurt my

feelings.

Can't help it.

They're just, they're just things I just want, but now there is

something that, as far as working toward a new path for myself, I

was honored that I got to be on Danielle's podcast and she had

mentioned that I was writing a book.

And you know what?

I am.

And you know what?

I could save it for the book.

And there was another quote, but I don't know the person who quoted

it.

So I like to give credit where credit's due, but I do like the

idea of, yep, you know what?

I could just save it for the book.

And that is something that has been helpful also is journaling.

But it's a struggle sometimes, but it's also okay.

Basically, if I were to start this off to say, you know what?

It's okay to struggle and it's okay to get to a point where you're

not struggling so much.

And so I really appreciate that Danielle is back with me and thank

you, Danielle, for bringing up the fact that yes, I am speaking

and writing from the wound right now.

And you, I'm so grateful that you are speaking and writing from

the scar and I didn't know if there was something else you wanted

to add to that because I really appreciate you so much.

Oh my goodness, what you just said was so rich.

I have so much to say.

I have four ideas now.

I only had one when you started, but now I have four.

Let's see if I can remember all of them.

The first one was, I love what you said about just reaching out

to someone.

And it reminded me and it was hilarious because just before we

started this, you're like, do you have anything else to say about

your grieving process?

And I was like, no, I do.

Actually, when my dad died, my dad was quite famous.

He had a lot of friends.

He was very popular.

And my sister and I were so inundated with well wishes.

It became another weight.

And obviously everyone is really well-meaning.

I mean, obviously this is all coming from people's best places,

but I felt so much obligation to respond to everyone.

And I could barely, you know, for the first few days, I could

barely get out of bed.

I could, even though it was expected, it was also kind of

unexpected in a way and I needed to do my own processing and

I felt so overwhelmed by all these people and some people

really did.

They're like, why don't you answer the phone?

I'm like, excuse me.

No, this is not your, this is not your pity party.

But you know, so there was that, but most people were coming

from this beautiful place and they wanted me to know that

they were thinking of me and it's such a lovely thing.

That said, it was because there were so many people, it was

overwhelming and I had to just switch off my phone for a week.

What I really appreciate when I'm going through a hard time

and I've gone through many different hard times, different

types of hard times.

The thing that I really appreciate is when someone reaches

out and they say, hey, I love you.

I'm thinking of you.

You do not need to respond to this.

I just want you to know that you're loved.

That helps so much because for me and specifically for me,

I have anxiety.

It manifests very much in a social way.

So whenever it comes to, especially getting back to people

is one of the most terrifying things in my life.

I'm not scared of some things that other people should be,

like that I should be scared of, that other people are scared of.

The thing that causes me the most anxiety is getting back

to people, which is a weird, silly, sad thing, but it's true.

And so when I am in grief or depression or, you know, despair,

any sort of low place, it makes it that much harder.

So hearing from someone that they're like, hey, I don't expect

you to respond.

That is not why I'm messaging you.

I just want you to know that you are loved.

It takes the weight off and it allows the real intention

to sink in.

So I do want to say if you have friends like that, because

you know, everyone is different.

There are a lot of us NeuroSpicy folks who find getting back

to people quite difficult.

And so if you know that you have friends like that, just add

that little piece on.

It can make a huge difference and it can really lighten

the weight instead of adding to the load.

And if you're reaching out to them, you're probably trying

to lighten the weight.

So, you know, there's intention and then there's reality and

sometimes our intention and reality don't always line up.

So the more aware we are, the more information we have, the

more effective we can be in our actions.

So I wanted to say that because what you said was so beautiful

and also I was sitting there thinking, oh, I just remember

having all of these messages coming in and just feeling

like I can't handle this right now.

I just I need to do what is best for me.

I also love what you said about, you know, you're saving

it for the book.

We need to be aware of our intentions and it's not that

any of these things are wrong, but we need to know when

is an appropriate space.

So it's not that you shouldn't speak or write from your

wound. It's that when you're doing that, you're doing

it for you and that is a form of processing and you might

write a memoir that is specifically for you or you might

write a memoir that is specifically for the world to take

messages from.

You might write too.

You might, you know, you might do a talk that is specifically

for you to purge, you know, completely and I'm not saying

this in a bad way, a completely selfish act of I need to

be seen in this, you might do that and that's okay as long

as you own your intentions.

So don't mix those things up, always kind of separate

them out. Don't try to be like, oh, well, I'll use this

as a healing thing and also for to give other people the

message because that typically doesn't work.

What we tend to do is we're speaking from the wound or

if we're still processing something, we tend to get very

um, what's the word?

We tend to wallow a bit.

We tend to get very self-indulgent and there is a time and

a place for that.

It's not wrong.

But if I am doing a keynote or if I'm, you know, I'm speaking

for education or entertainment or something, that is not

the place for that.

And if I am sharing my personal story, if I'm sharing it

because I need to share it in order for me to heal, that's

one thing. If I'm sharing my personal story to build trust

with clients or that's totally different thing and that

isn't about me anymore.

That is about them.

And so we need to be very intentional about what we share

and when we share it.

Not that there's any, not that there's a right or wrong,

but there's a right place or wrong place for these certain

things and you need to be aware of when you're doing what

and who you're doing it for and why you're doing it.

Be so clear on that because that allows you, when you need

to just process and feel your grief, it allows you to go

into that and do it completely.

And then when you are sharing your story from the scar to

show people the messages or the lessons that came from

it to say, hey, I've been where you are.

That is a very different type of story and it's important

to be aware of that when you're writing, when you're speaking,

when you're sharing with people.

So I did just want to say that intentionality is very, very

important and it's not that you shouldn't share it.

It's just that you need to be honest about your intentions.

Yes, and just honest in the just feeling all the feels

and it is so funny just in our previous episode, there

were things that I was struggling with simply because I'm

struggling and that's okay.

And you are where you are.

That's it.

And again, I so appreciate having this opportunity to talk

some things out.

And yes, thank you because admittedly, it got heavy

because I was feeling heavy and there are going to be heavy

moments and light moments and I thank you for offering

some perspectives that because ultimately, I truly

appreciate those who are on actual movement, a revolution,

an evolution of how we process grief, talk about grief, support

each other through grief because I really feel that time

has come and it's just so weird because I love words so

much, but it's so hard to say where it's like because I'm

so grateful.

It's like, yeah, I just feel it's always going to be this

little part of me.

It's always going to say, you know what?

I'm not grateful.

Okay, what do we want to court here?

And he's not and it effing sucks and also, but I don't have

to say it that way like all the times.

I just because I will say my sense of humor went away quite

a bit for quite a while and that's a hard thing.

I didn't like listening to music, didn't like a lot of things

and that's why I'm so grateful that I am surrounded by the

people I'm surrounded with because when you said, I actually

thought and I'm just saying this as an observation without

getting into story.

It is fascinating to me and this is for so many other life

events as well.

The people that you thought would be there for you.

There are a certain amount that you thought they'd be there

and they are and it's amazing.

There and then there are people who you thought we're going

to be there and they booked a flight to the other side of

the world one way.

Yeah, and you never hear from them again and you're like,

wow, and sometimes a little bit later.

You're like, yeah, I should have seen that and should in a

cheeky way.

Yeah.

I should have seen that coming there other ones where you're

like, are you kidding me even to the point of after all I've

done for you and then this and it's like and then there are

people who you didn't think that they even knew your name,

but you grew up with them.

They come out of the woodwork.

Yeah, and if I were to offer a beautifully selfish request

for those who are hearing this on any level of their grief

grab on to those people who the two camps like there's that

third camp.

They flew the coop.

Guess what?

Fine.

Make sure that you just lean into and surround yourself with

those people both who came out of the woodwork and who are

always there and those are those are it's it's beautiful because

when I was listening to you talk about all the people who

came out and talk, you know wanted to talk about your dad

and I think that is beautiful.

I I didn't have as much as I would have liked but that was

for different circumstances.

So again, if I could just I could wrap it all up right now,

you know what grief is a thing and it's your thing and you

got to do your thing.

There you go, but there could be maybe a couple other things

to talk about and I really like what you said about how about

this episode how to move into having because if I want to

help you have you know you out there in the audience have a

great day.

How do you have a great day when when this happens and part

of it is your definition of great like having a happy day

is one thing but having a great meaningful connected day can

absolutely happen when you're in grief and it reminds me

you know, it's funny.

I think we have very different experiences of family and

community and it's interesting because I think the Western

culture is a very individualized one and things like church

and faith can bring people together and there are there

is so much value in rituals with other people, you know, we

have funerals for a reason we have wakes for a reason we

we have anniversaries and celebrations.

We do this for a purpose and that coming together of people

for a specific intention is so important and as someone who

doesn't have that built into my culture.

It's been really interesting creating that for myself and

my partner in Vancouver and I for a while there were there

were a few years that were really rough and we ended up

creating these we didn't want it because we both have our

birthdays about the same time and neither of us wanted to

celebrate our birthdays.

We were so grumpy and we had a horrible year and so we ended

up having a grieving party instead and we're just like well,

I want to grieve the year because it was so terrible and

a good number of our friends came actually more than we'd

expected and we created this little ritual around saying

goodbye to all of the horrible things that happened and we

learned things about our friends that we didn't know had

happened to them that year and it was the most beautiful

connected poignant deep moving experience.

It was a great day.

We weren't laughing and joking and being silly and and you

know, but it was such a great day because we were so connected

with the people that we loved.

We were sharing real things.

We're sharing our struggles.

We're honoring each other and we were saying goodbye to that

and hello to the new year and it was those rituals are so

important. Human beings need ritual.

We need social rituals together and whatever that looks like

for you.

It's different for everyone and that's fine.

But don't let yourself think that just because you maybe

don't have something baked in that you don't need it.

You get to design your own.

Maybe you do your birthday party in a certain way or maybe

you celebrate the solstices or whatever it is you do.

Find ways to get intentionally to intentionally bring people

together for a certain purpose.

Even if it's only once a year or if it's around, you know,

an anniversary of someone's death or something it can be

so profound and it can be truly great without being happy,

happy, joy, joy.

You know, it could be it could be meaningful.

It can be connecting.

It can it can be deep.

It can be full of love.

It doesn't need to be surface-level happy to be full of love

and meaning and connection.

So human beings need rituals.

We need these these these secret spaces and these time times

to connect to one another in a very intentional way.

Don't be scared to do that with the people that you love or

with people who just care and want to show up and maybe

you're like, oh, I didn't didn't know that you cared but

you want to so great.

Maybe it's it's the chance to create new connections.

You know, that's great too.

We it doesn't take when we're in the right space and in the

right headspace.

It doesn't take a lot of time to create a connection with

another human being.

It can be almost instantaneous.

You don't have to know someone for years to be very close

to them.

You can build closeness very quickly if you know how and

if you're open to it.

And so don't be scared of doing that either appreciate other

humans and and maybe they have a moment of closeness and

they leave and that's beautiful too.

They gave you a gift.

So these these beautiful connecting moments.

Doesn't all need to be about happiness and you know, silly

jokes.

It can be a deeply profound experience where we support

and love each other and that's great too.

I love.

I love that about the that connection doesn't you can build

your own.

Yeah, it's just very briefly.

We there was there was a celebration of life for court

in Florida.

We did not have one here in the Midwest where I admit I still

haven't even written the obituary.

And I don't know that I ever will and there are these

expectations like things that you must do and I one of my

relatives was very kind saying to me.

If you need to do that for yourself whenever it doesn't

have to be on any timeline and it is for you.

It's not for the other people that was very like because

I felt an obligation and the weight because again grief

can be so you can it can be so weighing down and I also

Love because again, I have big family on both sides mom

and dad and we just had on my mom's side of reunion and

it was so wonderful because the timing was off.

In previous years just because of just the time of year,

but we had it recently and it was just a really good time

of year so many people showed up and people there are a

few people I had never met and it was so wonderful and

they and they said because you know, there's this thing

people like get together and get married and have babies

or they just get together and have babies.

So they just get together and you just see the you know,

the significant others the partners the spouses the kid.

Yeah, it's so fun and to have people say wow, I and and

so lovely to hear.

Oh, you know what?

It was so nice to meet you.

I think I want to come back next year.

Like this is such a cool thing that is being created and

it took time and I I really appreciate it and thank you

for that because that is such a an authentic positive is

to create create what you need like yes, you can take

a page from a playbook of of wakes and celebrations of

life's and funerals and remembrances and and those things

and also if there's something else that you need to do

that you need to create then you can do that and if I

were to something else I was going to say but it was

just along the lines of you know, there's it's it's it

is your journey.

Oh, yes, there was it's a I think a lovely thing to say

and then a tonality.

I think there was like I think if previous the previous

episode I said there might be a couple of things I want

to say and here was one of them, but I'm I am trying

to keep it on a you know, not too heavy.

I appreciate when one of my cousins said to me that

because you you don't you hear people say this person

wouldn't want you to not go on living and I feel that's

pretty much a beautiful thing to say to someone at the

right time.

What what took me a bit a back in a beautiful way was

my cousin said.

I know he didn't want to leave you, you know, it's and

I think yeah, you ever feel there is and there's there's

the develop of tears because I had such a powerful dream.

It was maybe within two days and it was one of those

dreams where it was real.

There was no court was there and I'm like court.

He said hey, we're hugging and I've said to him.

You know, what do you like?

Why did you have to he's and and I heard it, you know,

I just heard and I could see his he's saying it and I

can hear his voice.

He's like, I know I didn't want to it was kind of like

a and yeah, and I feel like it's okay to to if you

either want to say that or feel that in your heart,

you know what they didn't want to go.

I mean who really wants to if you're like the party

was just getting started and even if someone was going

through and and it is hard to if a person didn't

want to go but they they did through however, I feel

that there are three things that I could say to

someone when you're ready, please know that we were

still here.

We love you.

And we know that you know, the person wouldn't want

you to can to never be happy or to continue to live

life.

I feel that's okay to say and now I do feel it's

okay to say in our in our heart of hearts.

Do we truly think that they wanted to go and I

can see people going?

No, they didn't want it's like I know and here's

where it effing sucks comes into play totally and

then there's that third one and you know what that

third one I haven't figured out yet yet and I feel

that that third that third part is going to be for

each person to experience for themselves.

So I haven't figured it out for myself yet.

I just give all the all the amazing.

I don't know how my my mother lived through that

day and the fact that she is still alive and still

living.

Of course my my my dad and my youngest brother

and myself.

It's just sorry.

That's just like it's all yeah, and and still it's

it's amazing again.

Just a little you know, people would say I think

it hadn't been but a few months and I was told

by a couple people, you know, she really needs

to get over it.

So again, I just got a cheekily throw in people.

Here's where a kind of a bonus tip tips tips of

if you're going to say something to someone even

if you say to them, hold on.

I got a pause here and they'll be like, okay,

what I think to yourself is it necessary is it

kind like maybe it's absolutely not kind but it's

extremely necessary.

Like if you see that they're in a critical state

and you okay.

But I will say I've had to check myself many

a time.

There's so many things I want to say and then

I think is it necessary?

Is it kind?

Nope.

Maybe I don't need to say it in the moment.

So I think those are the couple of things that

I just wanted to wrap up on my right my mini

rants.

So thank you for that to get back to so, you

know, you got you got your ups and downs and

I'd ask you to take it from here about the

next step, which is building a new a new path.

Yeah, and it's important to to acknowledge that

grief is going to be difficult different for

everyone.

Some people are going to look like they're okay

and be crumbling on the inside.

Some people are going to be okay.

Some people are not going to be okay.

Some people are going to be angry.

Some people are going to be sad.

So be it doesn't matter.

It's their journey.

It's not your journey.

It's their journey.

And I mean, that's kind of like true for life

though. If it's if it's not directly affecting

you, you don't get to tell them how to live

their life.

It's you know, it's like certain types of people

getting married.

Does it affect your life in any way?

No, leave them, leave them be, let them do

whatever they want, you know, if they're not

harming you, if they're not actually physically

harming you, let them do what they want.

So there is that.

I think it is important to acknowledge.

That feelings are huge and we all have our own

journey. And be kind of because it is no one's

job to fix us.

We are at choice.

And it is your choice to honor your grief.

And it is your choice to decide when you when

you want whenever it makes sense to you.

Everyone is different.

It is your choice to decide when you want to

start changing things or moving through something

or processing it. And no one is going to do

that for you.

Yeah, no one is going to do it for you.

Yeah.

It is up to you and everything is up to you.

So and this is very important to me in my

depression because I really just wanted someone

to come and fix me.

And of course no one can.

Absolutely not.

No one can.

You know, people could be there for you as

much as they want.

But at the end of the day, it is your choice.

And I think it is the same with grief.

For me, one of the things when I was kind of

when I felt like I was drowning and I wanted

to find a way to stop drowning because you have

to want to.

Something that really helped me because, you

know, reaching out to people and all that is

extremely important and you need other people,

but they are not always there.

And again, it is not their responsibility to

be. So we have to be self-reliant as well.

And hopefully we can have a blend of both.

For me, taking matters into my own hands and

kind of going, okay, how am I going to pull

myself out of this?

And sometimes it means getting medication or

you know, I am not saying that was not part

of my journey, but it can be absolutely depends

on there is lots of different types of grief

and sorrow and depression.

Different people have different needs.

For me, something that really helped was going

okay, it is where it is, things suck, fine.

What are the small things that I have control

over that I know bring me joy or pleasure or

peace? And how can I start integrating those

into my daily life?

And so I made a list of every time I feel like

life is not worth living anymore.

Can I do one of these things?

I can't remember the whole list.

One of them was blowing bubbles and for years

I carried a little bottle of bubbles in my

pocket for whenever things got too much.

I would blow bubbles and I would see the

beauty and the wonder of the bubbles and it

would just lift my heart and it would remind

me that I do believe that, you know, I believe

that we live in chaos.

There is still so much beauty in that chaos

and it brought the wonder back for me.

So that was one of the things.

One of the things is a good cup of coffee.

And okay, that's not completely up to me, but

it's pretty much in my control most of the

time. A good cup of coffee, most days, that can

turn my day around.

The sun on my face, the smell of newly cut

grass. Okay, that's a harder one to do

on your own as well.

But, you know, I made a list.

Can't always feel the sun on your face either.

There were a bunch of them. A hot shower.

Oh, yes.

And just small everyday things that could take

me out of where I was.

And a lot of, especially in depression, a lot

of people say, you know, get out of your, and

I'm always going to mix this up, I think, get

out of your parasympathetic into your sympathetic.

Where's the other word?

I can't remember, but get out of one system

into the other nervous system.

And, you know, the way you do that is you

tune into your senses.

You go, what can you smell?

What can you taste?

What can you hear?

What can you see?

And by the time you've finished naming five

things for each sense, you are very much in

your body.

And when you're present, you can be, you're

very much feeling, you know, pain or whatever

it is you're feeling.

But when we're present, there's no space for

the story and the story is typically what

weighs us down.

It's, most of us can handle pain.

Or grief or despair or whatever that moment,

the momentary emotion is not usually what

gets us.

What gets us is the story, the meaning we

make around it, the, I'm never going to see

that person again, all that stuff.

That's past, present, story, meaning making.

But if we can get into the present in

ourselves, into sensation, into awareness,

into complete presence, there was a joy

there.

There's always a joy in being, even if

you're like, I just broke my foot.

I'm in a lot of pain.

There's, there's a joy to that, the fact

that you are experiencing, the fact that

you're feeling can be a joyful thing.

And you know, it can, it couldn't coexist

with a lot of other feelings.

And, but bringing yourself purely into

sensation, connected to your breath, feeling

your breath, feeling the movement of your

body, feeling your lungs move and your

blood pump and those things, the pressure

and the heat and the cold, they can take

you out of the meaning making, because

it's the meaning making that drives us

off the rails.

It's the meaning making that really gets

us.

So living more in the present moment, and

that is something I try to do more and

more every day because I like living in

the present.

It, it feels good.

And so I do it as much as I can now, but

at the beginning it was a, it was a way

to escape the stories, the voices in my

head, the, the feelings and the judgments

and all of that stuff.

I could escape into the present and that

it's not really escape, but you know,

it's, it's, I could, I could, I feel it's

like it's that embrace of the present, the

embrace of the present.

Yeah, embracing the present brings you really

into the now, brings you really into reality

and it allows you to battle that self-talk

and all of that stuff in a way that is

very difficult to do.

It's difficult to fight your brain sometimes.

And so going into that present is very

important.

I also just wanted to say, I just remembered

you said something about, I can't remember

what you said, but you said something that

made me want to reiterate that there was

no such thing as a pure emotion.

We are never feeling purely happy or purely

sad or purely angry.

We are all things all at once, always.

There's different ratios.

I'm all about the ratios and percentages.

But you, you can, you can grieve someone

and be happy.

You can, you can feel all of the things

and different ones are going to take the

stage, different ones are going to take the

spotlight at different times.

But you are, as human beings, we are messy

and we are intermingled and there is no

such thing as a pure emotion.

So kind of going, and if there is, it's like

this, I did lose that person.

My life isn't going to be the way it was

and I am grateful and I am angry and I am

sad. You can be all the things.

That is the beauty of being human is we

encapsulate an entire universe within us.

So I just wanted to say that.

Well, I'm glad you did.

I'm glad, I'm glad you're glad.

I really, really like, again, I'm so, I so

appreciate, I so appreciate this conversation.

Thank you, because it's reminding me of a

couple things that perhaps I can offer.

The day that Court died, I remember I had

to be outside with air, with sky.

Yes.

If I could offer a specific change in

environment, just as a loving, you know,

trying to keep it authentically positive on

how to help in the moments when you're in

a room with the walls, they feel like they

can close in on you.

And so I had to be very conscious of a

reminder to myself.

I had to be outside.

I had to be in a very, very open space

to see a lot of sky, not just, I'm fortunate

where I live and there is the open sky.

And to one very, something that helped my

mom immensely was she went for a walk and

was in nature and went for a walk every

day from the day because that talking about

having to go put one foot in front of the

other, act like a literal and actually.

So I, so because if I were also to offer

a loving, loving support that, and I've,

this is not me, this has been told to me

by so many people and I so appreciate it.

It's sometimes it's the moment by moment,

it's not even minute by minute, it's the

moment by, fine, start there.

Like just do that.

Absolutely.

You just do that.

Like it doesn't have to be, it just have

to, if you can't get through the day, the

hour, the minute, if it's just, okay, for

the next what, just moment, that's okay.

And it's kind of a type of presence too.

It really is.

Thank you so much for talking about being

in the present moment because if I were

to mix, mix some metaphors here, mix some

metaphors, because I do have a faith and

I do feel that this is not all that, this

life, this body, this isn't it.

This is just a part of it.

What I know beyond, I don't.

I find it humorous when people try to

speculate.

And also if I were to say that there

are, there is the light and the darkness

as far as a, the good and evil, if I

want to get down to that, the worst is to

let the evil take over and stop you from

living your life and keep you down.

I am not, but please hear me.

I'm not saying that if you are going

through moments of that, there's no judgment

here, there's only absolute love.

I get it.

So many days that I just couldn't even do

anything.

It's okay.

Yeah, it's just to offer that, lean into

people as much as you can, because that

it seems almost like the purpose of evil

is to keep us from living, just from

enjoying life.

I don't know how, and again, I know I

got real like, but I mean this in an

uplifting way that, you know what, just

by saying, I'm going to have an effing

good day and I don't care, I'm effing

going to do it and nobody can effing

stop me, like that just brightens

it up, that just brings a light because

you have the light in you always.

There's no, there's only absolute love

here for however, and that's how I got,

how I'm getting through it.

I still feel wounded and also I still

have my light and I love to shine my

light and I still have my light and I

love people and I want to help people

and I want us all to be in that

so thank you Danielle for talking so

much about the power of choice in the

present moment because that's where the

light is and that's where we shine and

that's where we allow others to shine.

It's that, that glorious Marianne

Williamson, you know, who am I to be

talented, fabulous, who are you not to

be?

Come on, you know.

And that, that is a beautiful thing.

I mean, just to kind of say, you know,

it doesn't matter how grumpy or sad or

whatever I'm going to be, I'm going to

be alive today, you know, there's, you

can be a little bit grumpy.

Nothing wrong with that.

I'm often a very grumpy gremlin, but

yeah, I'm still alive.

I'm still feeling it.

I'm still, I am the most grumpiest of

grumpy gremlins there ever was and that

feels good and there's a good feeling

in that.

So there's, there's that and yeah, who

are you not to be, you know, and I know

that you are still on your journey Tif

and I know you are still struggling

with guilt, like you have a bit of

survivor's guilt going on.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I think embracing that, I think

that's still, this is still something

I just want to invite you to kind of

think about is, and for everybody, that

you know, it's you, yeah, who are you

not to, who are you not to love your

life?

And if you don't love it, that's up to

you.

You get to change that.

Don't blame someone else for not loving

your life.

If you don't love your life, you get

to change it.

And if you are feeling guilty or if

you are being like, well, I have to

be unhappy because I just feel like

that's such a tragedy because A, I

don't think anyone who loves you would

ever want you to feel that way.

And also you're kind of blaming them,

you know, and I don't think they would

want that either.

So, you know, so there's, you know, and

they want the best for you and it's

hard to feel like you deserve it because

you know, how dare I be happy when

this light, this one light has gone out

but then it's like, well, but also how

dare you ignore all the other lights in

front of you?

How dare you, you know, so I think there

is, it's a difficult thing to accept and

it's not that they don't mean something

and it's not that you don't, you know,

grieve their loss every day and we're

human beings and we can, we can contain

everything.

We can contain grief and love and joy

and we could still live the best life

we would ever live even without them

here because it's all up to you.

And they wouldn't want you, they wouldn't

want to hold you back.

Nope.

Thank you because and it is the, it is

so interesting to me that I feel that

and again, everybody has their own thoughts

and feelings on things.

For me, it is so confounding and I, it's

confounding and I don't, I understand

that Court is, I understand he died.

I, you know, it's like there's no, yeah,

but it is very confounding to me that

I don't, I don't feel that he is gone.

I feel him like he's right here and it

confuses me and I don't understand it

and it's, it's, it's very, I guess in the

there I'm, this is coming, that's, I'm

just gloss over it and move on because

that's coming away from the wound of a,

of a not dark but very deep, like wow.

And again, I just so appreciate the,

definitely the love and I feel like I,

please say what you want to say because

then I do want to offer, I do want to.

I feel like accepting that someone has

passed and healing from it doesn't mean

leaving them behind.

They can still be with you.

They can be with you forever for the

rest of your life and you can still know

that they are not alive anymore, but they

can still be with you.

You do, this idea that you have to get

over it or leave someone behind is garbage.

It's garbage.

I don't even feel that way about people

who have left my life, you know, like

breakups or voluntary, whatever.

They're still part of me.

I am, I am accumulation of all my

experiences and all my relationships and

all my connections and that person has

changed me and they will always be part

of me because they have changed who I am.

And so they are always with you.

You don't need to leave them behind.

You don't need to get over it.

You get to integrate that and you get

to have them as part of you and live

your full life, not holding on to them,

not creating a creepy shrine and, you

know, comparing every other person in

your life to them, not like that, but

just, you know, they part of making

you who you are and that's a beautiful

thing.

No creepy shrines and also, love that

you brought that up, as a loving, I do

so appreciate when Kort's wife, Widow,

when we, when we met, the time that

happened, she asked, was there anything

that she could do for our family?

And I admit, I said, we are a family

who likes stuff.

If at any point that you are willing

to let us have some of his things, that

would help my mom very much and I so

appreciate that she did, very, I'm

eternally grateful because it was just

our way helping us so much that she

was very generous in what she gifted

us and I know that that is not always

the case and maybe I'm just throwing

that out there to everybody saying,

you know what, it's just stuff, but if

it, if you can offer it to someone

that it would help them, that is a

beautiful thing and everybody's got

their own different, but I did want

to give a shout out because I really,

she could have just as well said, I'm

just, I don't want to deal, but she

very kindly said, yep, absolutely.

And when she got to that point and we

do, we do have things of his and I

do appreciate that and thank you for

saying, because it's okay to have those

things and thank you so much, Danielle,

for saying it's not a get rid, like

get over it and, and in that sense

of, of now, you don't like separating.

So thank you so much for that, how

you, however you said it, thank you

for those words and how you said it

of, it doesn't mean, you know, you

got to get over it and move on and

let go of everything and, and, and

never remember just like that type

of, because that's what it feels like

sometimes. So talk about a beautiful

positive spin on that integration,

that letting, letting it be and so.

Yeah.

And as human beings, we imbue meaning

onto inanimate objects.

We just do, you know, that's just,

it's a human nature thing and it

can be dangerous because if our

house burns down and, and we put

too much meaning into the things

then we, that we can be devastated.

So there is that, so non-attachment

is important.

However, it is also, it's part of

who we are, it's a part of how

we relate to the world and there's

this, again, most of my wisdom

comes from Facebook.

This one of these Facebook posts

about, you know, I am an amalgamation

of all these people, you know, I

eat, I have this recipe from an

ex-girlfriend, you know, in grade

school and I always make, it's my

favorite recipe and I, I know this

song because of this person, this

cousin who has now passed and I,

you know, we are an amalgamation

of the people that we have connected

with and sometimes that takes the

physical form of something.

My dad was an artist.

So I have some paintings around

the house that I would be devastated

if I lost. I have taken photos of

them because I would like to

preserve, you know, I'm aware that

things burn and break or get lost

or whatever. But, you know, there

are, we are going to imbue meaning

onto things and that is okay as

long as we are aware that we're

doing it so that, you know, if

something happens, it doesn't ruin

our world. But we're going to do

it and that's okay. It's what makes

our life rich. That's not the same

as being materialistic. That's not

going, oh, I want the best, newest,

blah. This is, I have an emotional

attachment to this object because

the person isn't here anymore. And

I would have an emotional attachment

to them, but they're not here. So

I have decided to make this object

represent them. And if something

happens to this object, hopefully

I'll find something else that can

represent them. But the point is,

is that we live in an emotional

world and it's okay to texture your

world that way. Don't get too

attached to certain, because then,

you know, that could become unhealthy.

But it is absolutely okay to be

reminded, have mementos, have little

reminders of people in your life.

Surround yourself with love and

beautiful things. Why not? Life's too

short to live in a sterile environment.

I agree. And thank you. I have the

word that, I love that you talked

about your dad and he's an artist

and the beauty. And I, if I were

to offer a couple other loving,

supportive, if they can help to do

your best, even if it's counterintuitive,

surround yourself with some beauty,

like whatever makes it, music,

laughter, wonders, silly TV shows,

silly movies, bubbles. Oh, I love

that. Bubbles, going outside. Yes. I

love, I love offering compliments.

Like I just, someone has a lovely,

you know, or their hair looks great.

I love, I love saying to someone,

oh my God, you look gorgeous. And

I love the reactions. You're just

like, wait, what? Like, oh, thank

you. You know, because coming from,

you know, just when it comes from

your heart, it's beautiful. So anything

that you can, and also, it's okay

if there's a certain time where you

lean into things that you are always

doing. Like if there's a gaming, a

game app or a language app on your

phone that, you know, you just keep

gravitating towards like, oh, why am

I, it's okay. Like, because it's

amazing. If you keep reading the same

book or watching the same TV show,

or it's all fine. Exactly. It's all

good. It's just whatever is helping

you process in the way that you

process. And wherever you can find

joy, or connection, or beauty, or

wonder, or some sort of salve for

your soul, don't be like, oh, it's

dumb. Like, I don't want to like,

I don't want people to know that

I garden or take photos or collect

rocks or whatever it is you do. Do

the things that bring you joy and

speak to your soul. Life is too

short not to. Thank you for bringing

up gardening. I know, right? I was

like, whoops. I love the gardening.

Because if I were to say some, that

has been very healing this year, that

my youngest brother and I, we were

gardening this summer. And I was not

the year before and the year before

that, that wasn't, but there are, it's

okay. Thank you, Danielle, for also

helping me explore the, the moments

where it is okay to, like, I haven't

gardened in years. And just the fact

that I did, it was great. And my

youngest brother is amazing because

I, I, on a Friday night, I just said

out loud, you know, I just really would

like an herb garden. And then the next

day he's like, all right, we're doing

it. And he's getting it all together

for me. Like, you're awesome. And then

he started gardening and it's been

amazing. And it's, and there's the joy

and you get to create new things. So

lean into the stuff that you need to

lean into that are, because it's

amazing, the habits, like I was a habit

of being on my phone, doing that every

day. And that didn't change. And there

is comfort in that. And it's okay, that

those things that you do that are a

habit, it's wonderful when it can help

you get through moments. And then over

time, you get to create little habits,

which I also want to help people with,

because I just love the building of

that. Yeah. And I know I need to. And

this is where it comes around to having

a great day and having that autonomy is

if you don't have like, I had a list of

all the things that give me joy. If you

don't have a list of those things, start

experimenting, try stuff. You don't need

to stick to it. Like if you're like, oh,

I don't, I've never done gardening. I

don't know if I'd like it or not. Do it

for a day. If you like it, keep doing it.

If you hate it, do something else. Just

go out and do little experiments, try

things, build that list, figure out what

feeds your soul. Because that is going

to, if that's going to help you the good

times, it's going to help you the hard

times. There are always going to be more

hard times. Yes. And so if you have that

little list in your back pocket, it is

going to help you so much. And when life

is good, it'll just help you to have a

great day. See, I love that. And I thank

you because this has been a great

conversation. And if I may, I would like

to offer a quote and I, I just had to, I

do love that Marianne Williamson quote

and I've decided I just need to say it

out loud because you really, um, the

people that we love that aren't here

anymore on the planet, we can't, can't

shrink. And that's why I love this quote.

So here it is from Marianne Williamson.

Otherwise you're dying with them. Exactly.

Oh, could you say that again? You don't

want their death to be your death to

that. That is why I just don't climb in

the coffin. No, please don't please.

Because, because, um, we, we still want

you here. And I love this quote that says

we do. We do. We want it because our

deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful

beyond measure. It is our light, not our

darkness that most frightens us. We ask

ourselves, who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous. Actually,

who are you not to be? You are a child

of God. You're playing small does not

serve the world. There is nothing

enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We are meant to shine as children do,

right? We are born to make manifest the

glory of God that is within us. It's not

just in some of us. It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we

unconsciously give other people permission

to do the same. As we are liberated from

our own fear, our presence automatically

liberates others. And so if you don't feel

like you can embrace your potential and

your power and your light for yourself,

do it for everyone else. Yeah. Be that

permission. If you don't feel like you

deserve it, embrace your worth to give

permission to everyone else to embrace

theirs. That is a good stepping stone.

It's an amazing stepping stone. And thank

you. Thank you, girl, for being my rock.

I love you. It's just been a wonderful.

Thank you for this conversation and thank

you for being you. And I love you with

all of my heart. I love you so much too,

Tif. And I guess we'll see you in the

next episode. Yes, we'll see you then.