Finding Yourself Again After a Major Life Change

You are listening to The Awakening Woman on the Rise. If you are a woman who is seeking to live

a more authentic life but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right

place. If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth and make the impact you truly

desire, you are in the right place. I'm your host, Wendy Yacboski. Let's step out in this together.

So welcome everyone to my first podcast interview. And I am so grateful to have as a guest,

Patti Bevilacqua. She is an author, a podcaster, and a Substack contributor, which you're going to

hear a little bit more about later. But I chose to interview Patti because she's a powerful

inspiration to me. She is resilient. She is living her life full out. And I can't think of anyone

better to talk to us today about coming home to ourselves, developing resilience. So gosh, Patti,

it's so good to have you with me. It is my pleasure and my honor to be in this discussion

with you. It means so much. I love you. And that's worthless. Yeah. Yeah. So. So I see you,

Patti, as gentle and modest. So when I introduce you as someone resilient and coming home to

herself and all of that kind of stuff, is that something? How do you feel about that?

Um, it, I would never, I would never use that language, but it's accurate, because I'd say,

since COVID hit, I found my home in me. And because of that, I've also

created a home for multiple sclerosis to live inside me. And I treat Ms like a unruly tenant

that I can't get rid of, but I will tolerate. But as long as I'm respectful, it is respectful to me.

So I do, I, resilience didn't mean anything to me. It does now. Coming home

didn't mean anything to me, but it does now. Yes. I really feel settled. I'm in the place

where I need to be right now. I'm really glad that you answered that the way that you did,

Patti, because so many people really do have a hard time until they're,

they're actually there to accept that kind of feedback, that kind of how I see you is. So it

says a lot about where you've come from, from the beginning, right? And so how would you feel about

maybe just letting us know a little bit about where you began with this, and then we'll move

toward where you are now? Sure. Since I was in grade 10, I wanted to be a high school physical

education teacher. I was a goal setter, high achiever, and everything fell into my lap.

When I graduated university, I got a job right away. And it was my dream job.

I had a planning and there was nothing else. So I started in September 1989. And Wendy,

in March 1990, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. And I didn't know anything about it.

I didn't know anybody with MS. And years later, I left the only job I wanted. And

it was not, it was not good, because I felt like a failure. Back in the days where people had

one job for their entire life. And my dad kept saying to me, but it's a good paying job,

and it won't get fired. And I'm like, I know. I can't do it anymore. And

that's a whole other side of it, right. And so I went back to school, I did a PhD,

and I was going to teach in a teacher education program, and got a lot of looks and a lot of

interviews on campus. But I walked with a limp and multiple sclerosis is in the title of my thesis.

And I get it, if I got sick on someone else's watch, they're gonna pay for my disability

pension, right. So now what? And I wandered aimlessly for years, and I did a lot of

foolish things, trying to find me, the only me I knew. And it hit hard when I realized

she was never coming back. And as much as that hurt, it was also an awakening, because

it was who I found as a result. I've done more things in the last 10 years that I ever would

have done as a teacher, and I love teaching. I was going to retire as a teacher, and I would

have been happy, happy, happy. But I wouldn't have done a TEDx talk, I wouldn't have competed

in Speaker's Land, I wouldn't have a newsletter, I wouldn't have a podcast, I wouldn't have a book,

and every one of those fit the Patty I was becoming. And that's a great way to let go,

let go, and celebrate and recognize and appreciate and be grateful for all the people I've met,

the stories I've shared. When somebody says to me, Oh, I never thought anybody would understand

that. Thank you. That means that means the world to me.

You know, Patty, when I hear even just what you shared right now about what you've been through,

I realized that it's actually a journey, isn't it? It's a journey that keeps unfolding,

keeps unfolding, keeps unfolding. I'm really hoping that who listens to this podcast goes to

your sub stack, whatever the right word is for that, because you talk about so many different

things that that came to you about learning about yourself, both of letting go and also embracing

and, you know, what would you say, like, in terms of this podcast, one of the things that feels

really important for me to support people in doing is recognizing when they have a belief

that is no longer serving them, and that they are strong enough and safe enough to challenge

that belief. So I'm wondering, what's that like for you? What kind of beliefs did you have that

found? So I never heard the word no, ever. And then all of a sudden my body was saying,

no, you can't run anymore. No, your hands can't do that. No, you'll never be the teacher you were

meant to be. And that was the end. But I realized, no, it's not the end of the road. No, it's not

the end of the journey. It's a detour sign. Just something unexpected, that may actually be a better

option for you. So enjoy the trip and safe travels. Stay open to that. And, and don't try and

fit whatever shape you are into a round hole or a square box.

When you're on this journey to a different person, and you really don't know who that person is going

to be. Get away from the restrictions, be open, be willing. And when no hits, you know, yeah,

I hate it. I hate every time I'm told no, absolutely. But it does not determine my next

step. Next step is always forward, Wendy, doesn't matter how far. Always forward.

Respect and appreciate my past. But I'm going this way now.

You know, that's one thing you said in your sub stack, which I thought was so powerful that

leaving and correct me if I don't have this quite right. Okay. Leaving the old patty behind

doesn't discount the new patty. Is that accurate? Yeah. Wow.

We all we all have the past moments that we'll remember or we choose to forget.

And we can't get rid of that, Wendy. informs who we are now.

For me was, you know, having the youth and university years

that I did, you know, I was valedictorian for my university graduating class.

That what I was selected by my peers that meant everything to me. All of a sudden,

I was gone, right? I thought I was going to be was gone. But every now and then there's a little

patty on my shoulder that reminds me that, you know, there are still good parts of that past

will always inform who I am. Yeah, absolutely. You know, I was thinking before I call this

morning about the difference between change and transformation. And while change can be part

of transformation, I think more with change, it can be an initial part where it's back and forth

and back and forth and back and forth. And we all go through that, right. But when we move into

transformation, we move into a new state of being, which is different from change.

Absolutely. And that word was not in my vocabulary, when

transformation was something that happened somewhere else to other people, things,

reasons. Yeah, so I change was imposed for me change was opposed, imposed upon me.

Maybe that's not the correct way for everybody. But for me, I wasn't decisions anymore. And I

didn't like that. Yeah. But Ms has not restricted my transformation. Right.

Because I turned the rock over multiple times and

transformed, literally who I thought I was and what I

was. You know, I can only imagine, Patty, that if this event would not have happened,

you would have been happy in your dream being still all together. But you know what, you have

expanded so much like, you know, like you've already said, and it's like, it's like you are now

and again, correct me if I'm if I'm misspeaking, so much more fluid in your life and living.

Sure, things get get in the way, right? But would you say that you're developing practices

that help center and ground you and bring you back to yourself? At times? What would you say about

that? So two things I would say one is, maybe seven or eight years ago, I applied to an MS

research trial. And I had my intake meeting. And I was a candidate for it. And I said no,

that I would not participate. Why? Because I was worried, Wendy, that if I got cured from the MS,

would I lose the person I've become? Not that I was a bad person, I was a good person. I liked

who I am. I was. Today, I'm a great person. I love who I am, because I live with MS. I didn't

want to lose that. How do I ground myself? I don't know. You just keep going.

Teddy, I'm just remembering. Did you not find out? Because you didn't, didn't you take

that test? And then found out later? So that was many, many years ago, where I was

six months, and I was picking on the world. And then I was on the placebo.

That's what I want to let's talk about that. Because when you found out that all that you

felt you had gained was a placebo? What did that tell you? It changed MS.

From multiple sclerosis to MS stands for mindset shift.

That's exactly what happened. It was the power of this. Yes.

I feel stronger. I'm happier. I move better. I'm not tired. This drug is amazing. Yay, yay,

yay. Right. I mean, I, I was a 180 change, right? Like, holy moly, slow down. I'm like,

right. This discontinued the trial, because there was no change.

In the placebo group and the group that got the infusion. I was like,

Yeah, yeah. I'm, I'm really rethinking about your not rethinking, but looking back in my

mind on your on your sub stack. And you were saying about how,

how anyone in any kind of life situation, if they're wanting to have a certain result,

or maybe not even a certain result, but if they're wanting their life to be changed,

um, they have to go through a process. And sometimes,

when I was reading that article, it reminded me of how sometimes,

even when I knew there was an option, I was afraid to change because I was afraid of losing my old

self. And I didn't know the new self yet, you know, so that that's, that's pretty normal in

any in probably in any life experience for change. We all wear an invisible backpack

full of bricks, financial difficulties, caring for an elderly parent, worried about eating disorder

on and on and on. And people don't know what we're carrying. And we're not obligated to

explain ourselves. There are ways that we could lighten the load. And one of them is, I believe,

is being optimistic and seeing the good side of things as opposed to not and I'm not saying it's

easy. No. Have I wanted to quit? Absolutely. Many times. Anybody, I can get you to where I am.

Absolutely not. This is my experience. And if I could plan to see the hope for somebody else,

in whatever sentence I say, you know,

yeah, well, you I know, you've done that for me. And I know you've done that for a lot of people,

Patty, and you're going to continue doing it because it's just who you are.

Purpose. Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm not sure how this applies to you. But maybe we could talk

about it. I was reminded again, thinking about our our call and different experiences I've had

in my life. And for quite a while, weight was an issue, excess weight. And, and I remember

that I thought, as soon as I get to my goal, wait, I can just go back to eating like I did before,

because I made it, I did it, I arrived. But that's not really the way it works, right?

You know, that if you want to maintain an achievement,

generally speaking, we need to continue doing the things that got us there.

Would you agree with that?

Absolutely. 100%. Knowing what I know now, when I falter, am I worried about going back?

I'm not anywhere close to where I used to think about that.

That's MS, uncertainty and unpredictability. And, and that, I struggle with that every day,

every single day. And I have to be careful, like my foot fell asleep the other day when I was

reading a book on the couch. I could easily have said to myself, Oh, God, that's a new symptom.

But they didn't, I didn't, I didn't name it. I didn't get excited or angry or annoyed or,

or hurt or unhappy, I just recognized and sat a bit longer. And, you know,

and actually, I asked Paul to help me stand up. And that's, that's part of the journey. Right?

Oh, we're smart people. We all are smart people. And we, we figure things out,

sometimes a little longer than we thought, or sometimes not as all, but you give yourself grace.

There is no blueprint out there. No book out there.

Mm hmm.

Somebody who loses a spouse, you know, there's no

rule on when are you gonna start feeling like your old self again?

Yeah, it's called life.

Yeah, absolutely. And, and, you know, you've said a couple of things that I think are not only

helpful for you, but I think for others that are looking to make change in their life is,

and one is to ask for help. Another is to maybe not name it as as the worst thing that

meaning the end again, rather than a beginning, maybe. And, and when I think about people that

would be listening to this call that that have their own, I'm going to just use the word intense

challenges. I'd like to be able to give them some support that when they feel alone, scared,

um, troubled by the past, let's say, um, how,

what helped you move through the difficult times? Even, even maybe more like what,

what helped you go? Oh, okay. I'm okay. You kind of shake it off or whatever next.

My very first class in graduate school, when I was doing my PhD, I was the first to give my

presentation. I was consumed by so much emotion, telling my story and why I was there that I

couldn't finish. Colleagues or my classmates who had never met me before, told me three things.

First, let go of the past backstory, not erasing it, but you don't need to retell it every single

day. Second, you have every right to feel all emotions you feel. Give yourself grace. Third,

what are you going to do next? What are you going to do next? So when I meet people who are in

that deep, dark hole at whatever depth or stage of it is, you know, I'm not saying that

doesn't matter. It does matter. Recognize it, own it, and ask yourself,

where do I go from here? And don't beat yourself up, right? And if you don't have an answer for

that, you don't have an answer for that. And when you least expect it, maybe you'll get a light bulb

moment and you'll realize something actually has changed or you've seen it through a different lens

or the light shone a little differently. There is no map. But there is you and your experience.

And that's important because nobody can accuse you of lying if what you're saying is true to you.

Yes. Have I lied about things? Absolutely. Have I made things better or worse than what they were?

Absolutely. But you know what? That's me. I can't, I can't control what other people think,

see or feel. I can. I wouldn't do where I don't want to get up in the morning

and say to myself, I already can tell that it's not going to be a good day.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. You know, Patti, you used the word experience just a minute ago.

And I'm thinking how powerful experience is, because I used to believe that transformation

comes from reading a book. Can you tell? And it took me a long time to realize transformation comes

from multiple things. But the most important thing that needs to happen is actually doing.

And I know that there have been times for myself where I didn't believe in myself,

and it became a story. And because it was a story, then I didn't do it. And when I didn't do it,

I felt worse about myself. And I know I'm not alone in that. And, you know, the good news is,

is that even if we take a small action, which could be today is going to be a great day.

Like, but when we even take a small action, I think something happens psychologically,

I don't have a science for it. But it impacts everything within us and about us. And

all of a sudden, the next thing seems maybe a little more plausible or possible, or we just

feel better. And that's okay, too. We don't have to be doing something all the time. But I'm glad

that you talked about experience, because nothing will change unless we do something different,

or think something different, which is also a doing.

The name of my newsletter is seeing differently. Look, look through a different lens.

Just, just try it. Maybe you're not there yet.

There was a time when I wasn't there yet. Absolutely not.

Am I saying it like, this is going to be your saving grace? No.

I didn't see. How did you feel about that?

Mm hmm.

You know, did you? Did you feel the hurt stand up on your arms? Or did you? Not today.

And you know what, that is okay.

You know, Patty, I'm reminded again of your amazing last sub stack that I read and about how

you use the word healing, of course, because that fits your situation. But you said that you used to

believe that healing, what did you say it meant getting your old life back? You know, and that's

such a powerful awareness. And I think that sometimes we do want that. Because changes is

what's the word confronting sometimes, you know, but we're not going to be the same person ever.

Whatever the situation is, because we're growing, as we're doing and, you know,

and different things are required of us, right?

We're growing, we're aging, where we live changes who are there, there's so much change.

And, and back when I was in grad school, I was working so hard at getting Patty back.

I was working so hard at that, that it was exhausting. And I was looking back, I was missing

out on on things that were important or great lessons or great people or a new sighted me.

Because every time I walked past a window and saw my reflection, I stared just just

old Patty just waved to me.

Yeah, sweetie. Yeah, I can't even imagine Patty, you are such an amazing person. You are such an

example. I'm so glad you're on this call, Patty, because you not only have resilience, and you not

only are coming home to yourself more and more every day. But you are an example of success.

Not in a like it needs to look like this, but life success.

You know, I, I am an example of it's doable.

Yes.

You don't have to be rich and famous.

Yeah.

Get here.

Yeah.

Can I give you the 10 ingredients? No.

But I can share with you my experience.

Yeah.

Maybe, maybe something resonates with you.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. And you know, Patty, I know you mentioned it yourself, but you've

written a book. What is the name of that book?

MS doesn't define me a biography of a polymath. And I had to look up polymath because my publisher's

edition and it's somebody who knows a lot about a lot of stuff. And when I when I think about

that book, and the journey. I know a lot.

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Our story of MS, but at the end of every chapter are reflection questions that apply to everyone.

What challenge you're facing, whether it's invisible or not, or what category it falls in.

They're just questions that help you to be more aware and think about.

And, and the feedback has been great.

So Patty, where's the book sold? Are you selling it yourself? Or can it be gotten at Amazon or?

Amazon, it's on Audible. Well,

yeah, Amazon Canada, Amazon US, and they have their different versions there.

Okay. And then I, I'm not sure, it's not widely found in chapters or

Barnes and Noble. I know some have them.

Okay. Okay. Well, we'll make sure that in the show notes, we've got the link that people can

use to find your book, because like, transformative, again, is another word that comes to me. So,

so, so Patty, as we we move into wrapping up, I'm wonder wondering if there's something in your

heart or your soul that you would like to leave listeners with today in moving forward in their

own transformation? It, it's just, you know, no, it's not the end of the road, or to something

unexpected. And, you know, give it, give yourself grace, like, go easy on you. And, you know,

it's a journey. It's a journey. And the last thing I would say, I often tell people,

doesn't matter if it's a centimeter, a meter or a kilometer. Just make sure it's forward.

Oh, Patty,

just make sure it's forward. It doesn't matter.

Thank you so much, Patty, for every precious minute on this call. I so value you.

I value you. And I, I really value helping to get a bit more of my message out there.

And anybody who's out there?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Thank you, my dear. I look forward to connecting with you again later.

And lots of love. I can't wait to see you again.

Okay, bye for now.