What Is Risky Play? Why It Matters for Your Child’s Development

Welcome to the Guiding Parent Podcast,

where you'll find the mindset and tools

to parent with greater confidence, clarity, and purpose,

even when there aren't any easy answers.

Together, we're going to explore

how to better nurture and guide our children

to support who they are and who they're becoming

so that they can fulfill their unique potential

and thrive in our ever-changing world.

I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host,

parenting and early childhood educator,

mom, and most fun, Yammy.

And I'm Shannon, your co-host.

I'm Tammy's daughter and mom

to a very energetic little dude called H.

We're glad you're here.

Let's get started.

So this week on our podcast,

we're going to be talking about risky play.

And this is one of my favorite topics in large part

because of my own kiddo.

And he definitely has engaged in risky play

throughout his life.

And because of that, like I've gotten pretty well versed

in what risky play is,

but also some of the really awesome benefits it has

in terms of child development

and even developing grit and resilience.

So I'm really excited about sharing this with everybody.

So for this particular pod,

we are going to be talking a lot about H

because he's a wild little skateboarder

and all of that kind of lends itself

really easily to this topic.

So settle in for some spicy little dude stories.

But to kick us off,

I want to kind of define what risky play is.

And so for the purposes of this conversation,

it's anything that involves height, speed,

real life tools specifically.

We're not risky when we've got a little plastic hammer,

but a real hammer or a knife or a needle for sewing,

any of that quantifies.

It involves an element.

So things like water or fire,

any kind of rough and tumble play,

and even things like being alone in an environment,

all qualify as risky play.

We do want to make sure that it's really clear

that risk does not equal hazard.

There is a difference.

So risk is known, it's manageable.

We have a little bit of control

over how much of it we're going to take,

how much is gonna happen.

Hazards more when there's hidden dangers.

So we want to be able to kind of structure things

around making our risk reasonable,

making it developmentally appropriate.

So, you know, like think about a play structure.

So if your child is climbing up on a play structure

and underneath it is bare ground, that's a hazard.

That's not a reasonable risk,

but it's a reasonable risk

for them to climb on this play structure

when there's a nice fall zone,

there's some kind of padding underneath,

there's nice thick layer of bark.

So, you know, it really determined

by how much, how reasonable that risk particularly is.

So the same activity can be, you know,

can be hazardous for one child,

but if they're not ready yet,

but it might be completely normal for another child

and definitely worse they're doing.

It's all about development and progression

and what's manageable for, you know, for any given child.

Yeah, and you mentioned playgrounds are a great example.

And one of the things I feel like I've noticed,

you know, my childhood, my peers versus age

and, you know, his cohort

is that playgrounds have changed a lot.

And so in some sense, that's great.

Like we're getting rid of some of the things

that are potentially hazardous,

but it also seems like maybe we've swung really far

into this like hyper safety zone where, you know,

we've completely eliminated any kind of risk.

And so, you know, we don't want kids

to be getting major injuries, obviously,

but those little, you know, bumps and bruises of childhood

are part of childhood.

And so, you know, we need to kind of be aware.

To have a skinned knee now and then.

It's part of learning.

It's part of learning for sure.

And so, yeah, we wanna make, you know, educated risk

and, you know, known risk,

but do wanna be aware of how far we've swung over time

into, you know, kind of completely eliminating that.

Right, being, you know, we sometimes tend to fall

a little bit in the over, you know,

being a little bit overprotective

and being so concerned about risk

that we're preventing kids from having those challenges

and, you know, using their bodies

and finding out what their little bodies can do.

You know, a lot of kids are in sports

and we don't really think about that as a risk,

but sports have risks too.

And that's an example.

However, we also need free or self-directed play

for kids to get those activities.

You know, it's not, we don't have the same kind

of risk assessment in sports.

We don't, you know, we don't develop

the same kind of body awareness.

So there really is kind of a difference,

but we accept the risks in sports,

but why not accept those same risks in climbing a tree

when that's, you know, it's a good climbing tree

and we've assessed the hazards and, you know,

it's just a reasonable risk.

I know with age, like we've seen, you know,

the shift in my tolerance of risk.

You know, when he was a little guy

before specifically started skateboarding,

it was a lot easier to kind of worry

and try and navigate that.

But what I've seen with him and skate is that, you know,

we make it as safe as possible.

He wears a helmet, he wears pads,

but then, you know, I have to kind of just let him go.

You know, I've seen it with other kids.

You know, their parents are trying to help them down a ramp

and it throws off a kid's balance.

And so they end up falling more

because they haven't established that balance for themselves.

And so Henry has managed to navigate that.

And now for himself, he can decide,

okay, if I'm gonna do something that is a new skill,

you know, I'm gonna wear extra pads,

or, you know, if it's something

that he's more comfortable with,

then he, you know, takes his wrist guards off.

But, you know, the helmet stays on,

the knee pads stay on all the time.

And so we've kind of found this balance

of what is acceptable risk for our family.

And your risk tolerance has certainly grown

in watching H with all of his things.

But, you know, it really is so important

because you look at how much he's grown

in being able to take those and his body awareness

and just how secure he is in himself.

And it's not like he's just crazy running off.

He assesses for himself.

He kind of has this ability.

He knows what his body can do.

So it's really, you know, this is why allowing for some,

allowing for risky play is so important

because it really helps kids develop that sense

of their own, you know, their own body awareness

and knowing what their body can do.

It helps them.

It's really important for sensory development

and for motor development.

You know, we know that we want our kids

to have good large motor skills, you know,

but it's also things like their body in space.

And, you know, that's part of why the proprioception

of vestibular senses that we don't really,

you know, those are big ones we don't really talk about,

but that's all about kids like twirling around

and rolling down the hill and swinging around

to see where their bodies are in space.

It also, think about like with,

I see how confident, you know, H has become.

I got to see him in person not too long ago skating.

You know, I get to see videos,

but it was just so interesting to watch how he has gone

from, you know, just having to think and focus

and really work at these things to now he,

it's like he flows.

It's so interesting to see this progression

that's occurred in him.

His coordination has really grown.

You know, he does have to concentrate

when he's doing the new things,

but that concentration has been really, really developed.

You know, really life is full of risks

and kids need that ability to assess danger.

They need to know and improve their capabilities

and know that they can do hard things.

I mean, Henry's definitely gone through that

and learning, you know, oh no, I'm afraid of this.

And then, but keeping at it.

Well, yeah, like one of my favorite things

that skate has taught him is, you know,

when he first started, he would try and learn a new trick

and he wouldn't get it the first time or the second time.

And I just watch him, you know, dissolve into frustration.

And over time, he's totally just like internalized

that lesson that you just have to keep going

until you get it right.

And so, you know, even now he's working on new skills

and I'll watch him and, you know,

he'll just drill himself until he gets it

or he doesn't get it, but he doesn't, you know,

dissolve into frustration anymore.

He gets that it's a process and that, you know,

he's not gonna necessarily get it the first time.

And so, yeah, watch him.

That perseverance is so important.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, we talk about growth mindset

and, you know, that's a really great way of, you know,

kind of seeing it out in the wild is how much

he's progressed, you know, in terms of

that kind of development as well.

Well, and the thing too is the more we allow

this risky play, you know, we think we're saying risky,

but actually the safer they become

and the more resilient they become in the long run

when they have this ability to do

and these opportunities to do this, you know,

and also physical skills are really supporting

that overall brain building.

And so that lends itself into supporting

their cognitive skills as well.

Kids just really need that big body play.

One of the challenges I feel like I've heard about,

you know, kindergarten teachers getting kids

who struggle to hold a pencil

and it's because they don't have grip strength.

And so that's a reflection of this, you know,

lack maybe of kids hanging on the monkey bars

or, you know, even playing with clay and stuff like that

that develops grip strength.

And so, yeah, you can totally see those areas

where the physical then, you know,

supports that cognitive development.

Absolutely, yeah.

You know, just developing those motor skills,

large and small, you know, are an absolute requirement

for their later learning.

I know, I have a son, obviously.

And so, you know, I tend to see this more,

I think in boys, obviously happens with girls too.

But what I call lion cub play,

where they're, you know, doing the rough and tumble

and kind of like right on that edge

of what gets somebody hurt and what doesn't.

And I feel like the only way that you really learn

when you've crossed that line is by coming up against it.

And so when they don't have these opportunities

for big body play, you know,

they don't ever learn how to use their body

in a way that doesn't end up hurting someone.

They can wrestle and, you know,

make sure that everybody still stays safe.

But that does come from a little bit of boundary pushing

and figuring out, okay, that was too much.

I got to step back and I can't go that hard.

And sometimes that means, you know,

some reasonable adult supervision and support.

I want to be careful to say, you know,

for adults not to really interfere in that

with the constant, oh my gosh, be careful,

you're going to get hurt, blah, blah, blah.

But also, you know, there does tend to be sometimes,

is your friend liking that?

You know, a little bit of questions,

a little bit of checking in to make sure

that they're really considering how everybody's feeling

and what's going on for each other.

Absolutely.

I mean, that was definitely the rule when Henry,

especially was really little.

And, you know, there's starting to develop that,

hey, stop means stop, no means no.

Like we don't, you know,

if somebody asks you to not do something,

you have to listen.

And so those kinds of lessons get worked

into that kind of play as well.

Right.

Because they do need to, you know,

be stopping to make sure if somebody is truly getting hurt.

But yeah, like you said,

they need to push up against that a little bit.

Absolutely.

And that brings us into, you know,

thinking about how we're reacting, you know,

when they are playing that, you know,

a lot of situations when a lot of scenarios like at school,

sometimes that's not that kind of play, you know,

just can't be a part of things,

but we need to allow it wherever we can.

And we need to watch our reactions, you know,

how we feel about risk, you know,

like you've talked about your fear factor,

your ability to handle a certain amount of risk

has definitely grown with H's growing

in the things that he does.

But we have to really look at ourselves in that,

you know, what are you okay with?

And thinking back for ourselves,

were you under or over protected?

And how has that then affected your perceptions of risk now

in terms of your own child?

You know, you and I have very different abilities in that,

you know, because, well, you've grown into it a lot too.

But like when you were little,

I had to turn around sometimes and not watch.

Like you'd be playing on the monkey bars

and, you know, I knew everything was fine.

I knew that, you know, there was protection on the ground.

You knew what you were, you know, you knew your abilities,

you weren't going too high or any of that,

but I just would get so tense and nervous.

And rather than put that on you,

sometimes I'd just turn around and not watch.

And that way I could avoid the, oh, be careful

or being, you know, really nervous and, you know,

freaking out.

Yeah, and I think it is really important to acknowledge

that, you know, every person, you know, every parent,

every family is going to have different levels

of fear factor and different things

that they are or aren't okay with.

You know, that's normal and that's fine.

And so, yeah, if you can take a minute

to kind of dive deep into your own self

and, you know, do a little bit of an assessment of like,

is this reasonable?

Am I coming to this purely with fear?

Or is it, you know, this scenario,

maybe something that, you know,

we don't want to have be part of our family culture.

I'm just not okay with this or that, you know,

but having a moment to think about that ahead of time

will keeps, that way we're not overreacting

or underreacting in the moment.

Another piece of that is what to do

when little things do happen, because, you know,

kids, even without risky play,

kids fall over and get owies, they get hurt.

And they almost always will look to us to say, you know,

how are you reacting?

Am I hurt?

So it's really important that we watch our own faces

and our own reactions when things like that do hurt

so that we don't make big hurts.

I mean, little hurts into big hurts

just because of how we respond.

I swear, you can literally watch it happen.

A kid will fall

and they immediately look to their grownup's face.

And, you know, if grownup is still smiling and woohoo,

oh no, you fell, like, but I'm not freaking out.

Kiddo frequently won't freak out either.

Whereas if you have, you know, panic phase.

And they automatically start crying.

They start crying because obviously they're hurt.

They just don't feel it yet.

But based on mom's reaction, oh God, the world has ended.

And sometimes they really are.

And we can just wait and see how they respond.

And then we're like, okay, let's, you know,

let's fix it up.

You know, but even if there is an injury,

we still don't want to freak out

because then that just makes it worse for them.

And, you know,

and gonna make them more fearful in the future.

If it's just like, oh, accidents happen or things happen.

It's okay, let's go fix it up.

Let me give you a hug.

We'll get a bandaid, whatever, you know,

whatever it takes, then, you know,

then they're ready to go for the next time.

But there are a lot of ways that, you know,

we can make risks safer.

And that is really, you know, part of what we want to do.

You know, we mentioned before that it's a progression

and that we, you know,

we want to provide the opportunities for it to progress.

And also that we find reasonable opportunities for kids

as they're ready for different kinds of risks.

One of the things that, you know,

being a Montessori and working in a Montessori,

in a Montessori classroom for years and years,

there is a lot of little pieces within that.

For instance, you know,

we have glass in Montessori classrooms.

And a lot of times, you know,

people are like, what?

Glass, it's gonna fall, you know,

it's gonna fall over and break.

Well, yeah, sometimes it does.

But that's the point.

But that kind of, it is the point.

Because then we realize that we have to control our body.

We have to use our walking feet.

We have to be careful as we walk around the room.

And, you know, when there is something break,

you know, children know to move out

and it's the adults that pick up the glass.

But everything, you know, is built for skill building

so that that progression is really clear there.

First, like with pouring,

they'll pour with big beans first

because those are easy to pick up when they spill

and then progress to water.

But we also use like knives.

They cut carrots.

We have a very special little knife.

The-

The squiggle knife.

The squiggle knife for the crinkle cut knives.

It can cut carrots, but it can't cut fingers.

It's awesome because kids can truly, truly, you know,

be cutting things with that.

But it's a progression

because then later they might use a butter knife

and eventually, you know, that then leads to real knives.

No big ones, just, you know, little ones.

But they also, you know-

For, like for sewing, I remember this

from the Montessori classroom.

You don't start with a needle.

You start with like a shoelace.

And so the, you know, you learn the motion first

and then as you progress from that,

then you get a blunt needle

and then you get a real needle.

And so it is, you know, managing each step

so that then you can get to that more risky

and with having been set up along the way

so that it's not, you know,

devolving into a hazardous situation.

It's still just, you know, a little risk.

Right.

So that's the whole, you know,

that's the whole thing is that we're preparing kids for,

that we're preparing the way for them,

providing opportunities that are developmentally appropriate

that help them to gain the skills that they can then have,

you know, for bigger things down the road.

Yeah. And, you know, just like at a Montessori classroom,

we can prepare our own environments

in ways that limit and remove hazards.

You know, part of that I feel like is making sure

that they know what to expect, like in an outdoor space.

You know, I've used the analogy of a river.

And, you know, if a kid is walking through a little stream

and they're jumping from rock to rock

and they don't know that those rocks might not be stable,

that they can whip, you know, wiggle,

or they don't know that moss is slippery,

that's hazardous.

That's not just risky play.

That crosses a line into something that's not safe.

But if you can talk to them beforehand,

hey, look at that rock, see how it's green on top?

That green is going to be slippery.

So you need to be prepared.

If you put your foot on that rock, your foot will slide.

And then they can manage.

And it becomes risky play rather than hazardous play.

Right. So we have some, you know,

that's part of just sometimes we have to talk them,

talk them through some things,

help them to have an awareness of certain things.

The other thing is we want to give kids real tools,

you know, for like, if we want our child, you know,

say we have a three-year-old who wants to, you know,

wants to hammer,

we're not going to give them an adult size hammer.

That's moving more towards, you know, hazardous,

but we can get child size hammers

and they can truly then hammer a real nail.

But we might want to start with something easier,

like to begin that process,

like a golf tee in a slab of clay, you know,

just to get the practice down beforehand.

But, you know, kids can have those real tools

as well as like gardening tools

so that they have real shovels, real rakes,

cooking tools, cooking utensils.

Like we talked about the crinkle cut knife

that won't actually cut little fingers.

So, you know, having those kinds of real tools

allows them to do some of these things

without there being a hazard,

without them, you know, getting hurt

so that they can engage safely.

Yeah. And, you know,

we as adults can intervene at that moment,

but I think it's also really important to understand

as adults when our help kind of becomes not helpful.

It hasn't.

Right.

You know, and I think one of the biggest ways

is with, you know, big body play, climbing,

that kind of thing.

If you put a child into a situation physically,

put them halfway up the monkey bars,

that's not necessarily safe.

Right.

If a child can get into that position on their own,

that means they have the grip strength to hold on.

That means that they have the body awareness

to have moved themselves into that position.

But if you just hoisted them there,

they may not have the grip strength to hang on.

They might fall because that's not there.

And so just being really aware of, you know,

letting kids develop their own limits

rather than putting them in situations

where, you know, we've kind of bypassed.

Yeah.

That is just so important not to put kids

into positions they can't get to on their own.

You know, not hefting them up onto the highest bar,

not hefting them up onto the branch of the tree.

They have to be able to get there through their own,

you know, their own little bodies to make sure

that they do have that strength and ability to be there.

And, you know, we really need, you need to know,

you know, you know your kid.

You know, what are they developmentally ready for?

What is, you know, what are their skills?

What are their abilities?

And, you know, what progression have they had?

So, you know, thinking about any given situation

that they want to do.

Mommy, I want to, you know, I want to go

before we say, oh no, or just send them off.

We need to kind of take our own moment to kind of assess,

you know, where they are in their development.

And maybe there's some skills

or some other activities they need to do first

before they're ready for this bigger thing

that they want to do.

Or maybe, you know, it may be they're there

and it's just a matter of setting up an environment

or giving, finding an environment or an opportunity

that they can do that.

But we also want to kind of just assess their temperament.

Who, you know, who are they as little individuals

and what, you know, what kinds of things

do they really like and enjoy?

Yeah, and I know like, you know,

we've talked about different kinds of risky play.

And, you know, I tend to think of it more

in terms of heights and speed and that kind of stuff.

But if you have a kid, right.

But if you have a kid that's not, you know,

big body play kind of kiddo,

they can still engage in risky play.

Like, you know, like we were talking about

sewing with a needle, cutting food,

like those are risky play as well.

Roasting a marshmallow.

Yeah, that all builds awareness of your environment

in a way that doesn't require you

to be on the top of the play structure.

And so, yeah.

And I remember a little Shannon

that was roasting marshmallows at a camping trip

one time and did get a bit of a burn.

Yeah, thankfully we were camping with frozen peas.

Yes, we put frozen peas on the burn, on the owie.

But, you know, we can let kids try to do things

and test themselves and test their limits.

And, you know, we just want to, you know,

help talk them through and find out what their interests are.

So if it isn't, you know, like you said,

if it isn't big body play like H likes to do,

you know, what are the things that they do

that can provide, you know,

different kinds of skill building and body awareness?

Yeah, and, you know,

as we understand our kids more and more,

then we can, you know,

that helps us then to be able to support them

as they do engage in this kind of play.

So, you know, if you have a kid that you know

is gonna be up in every single tree that you go past,

then you learn like, okay,

so we got to talk about how sturdy of a branch

can support your body weight and, you know,

how to coach them.

Like, I'm not gonna put you on that branch,

but if you can get up there, you know,

then you need to be aware of this, you know,

and, you know, ask them, what is your plan?

How are you gonna, how are you gonna figure this out?

And, you know, that then engages their critical thinking,

which is another awesome benefit.

We want to make sure that, you know,

we're really going well beyond the, you know,

just the being careful and like you said,

helping them to talk through, what is your plan?

You know, and one of the nice things about,

about when we say, instead of saying, be careful,

we say, you know, what's your plan?

I'm a little nervous that you're, you know,

where you're stepping right now.

If they don't have one, that makes them stop and think,

you know, oh, I need a plan.

So maybe they're starting to think of one,

and then we may, we may step in

and help them think that through.

Well, that branch is really, really thin or, you know,

whatever the situation might be.

But another cool thing about it is that

we get to see their thinking process.

And so we might find out through that,

that they are thinking this through,

they do have it together.

And then we can feel a little bit more relaxed about it,

or we might find out they're not thinking at all.

And so we need to help that thinking process along

by asking some, you know, some critical questions,

then leading questions that can kind of help them

to figure things out.

Yeah, and you know, I think be careful probably comes out

of every parent's mouth at some point.

Oh yeah.

But it's one of those phrases

that doesn't actually provide any, anything.

You know, there's no information in that phrase.

And so be careful, be careful of what.

So, you know, if you expand on it,

hey, there's, you know, something pokey over there,

or again, like with the tree,

I'm worried that branch won't hold you.

You know, giving them more information,

just be careful doesn't tell you, you know,

what you need to know about that given, you know,

a scenario and what might actually be hazardous.

Or going back to your stream analogy,

you know, your stream example.

You know, I saw you slip a little bit there.

Remember that sometimes the mossy rocks

are a little bit slippery,

or some of those rocks are gonna move

when you jump on them.

You know, just bringing their awareness

and their attention to things.

For sure.

And you know, some of these things, you know,

we talk about trying to mitigate hazards,

but there are some things

that are just never gonna be negotiable.

Absolutely.

For us, you know, if you are engaging in anything

with wheels, you have to have a helmet on your head.

Like that is hard.

Like there is no negotiating that one ever, you know.

And so I remember my little niece just got a balance bike

and she didn't love her helmet.

And so my sister-in-law did a great job

of just being like, nope,

like if you don't have a helmet on,

you don't even sit on the bike.

And so, you know, she was only just two years old.

And so she started her whole relationship with, you know,

bikes and toys with wheels with the understanding

that helmet goes on her head before she gets on a bike.

And so, you know, being able to establish that really early,

you know, you're not trying to negotiate it down the road

when they've already gotten used

to biking around without one.

We always wanna put those safety measures in place,

those non-negotiables in place ahead of time.

And you know, if you can't or won't do the safety piece,

we just don't do it.

It's just that simple.

And you know, if they're fussing about it, then it's okay.

We don't have to do this right now.

You know, you can do it another time.

But when you're ready, the helmet goes on your head

or the knee pads go on or, you know, whatever the safety,

the safety piece is.

Yeah, and like what I've loved watching

with H in skate is, you know,

even now he's been skating for two and a half years

and he's relatively skilled at this point.

And still every single time he has skate class,

the first thing they do is practice falling.

And so, you know, we see, you know,

these skills build over time

and sometimes you still take it back to the basics

to ensure safety.

And, you know, he went down a 28 foot ramp this summer

and he didn't land it, but he knew exactly how to fall

so that, you know, he was still safe.

He popped right back up.

And-

The landing actually just looked like part of it

cause he just kind of went on his knees

and just slid on down the row.

He knows exactly what to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Makes a huge difference.

Well on that, thinking about that, you know,

all of the skill building that came along

and, you know, how often he tried and failed

and, you know, all of those pieces in there,

you know, that was a huge celebration

when he accomplished that one.

But there was a lot of pieces along the way.

Yeah, and like one of the things that, you know,

we've tried really hard to make a point of

is to celebrate the effort

rather than necessarily the end result.

Like, absolutely, we're gonna like celebrate him

when he accomplishes new skills.

But, you know, some of these things

he's been building on for literally two and a half years.

And so if we only celebrate that final moment

where he lands something,

we kind of lose all of the work that went into it.

And so, you know, we try and make a point like,

dude, I saw how hard you were working class today.

Like, I'm really proud of you

for the effort that you put in.

And maybe he didn't do anything new this week,

but he worked his little hiney off.

And so, you know, we wanna make sure

that we're acknowledging that work too,

even when it's not, you know,

going down a 28 foot ramp for the first time.

Right.

Well, and it's all about providing that encouragement.

And, you know, the word courage is in the word encouragement.

And so, you know, when we're providing that encouragement,

not just that, just not that praise for the final moment,

woohoo, you did it.

But, and yeah,

there definitely needs to be some woohoo's you did it.

But we're encouraging along the way,

we help provide that courage in them

and that confidence to, you know, to do new things.

So that's really, that's really important

that we're really focusing on the effort

as well as, you know, the final woohoo

when they get something.

And he just had another big accomplishment.

I got to see when,

cause he's a big boogie boarder too.

And he did his first 360.

So that was a big, a biggie as well.

And that was so fun for me.

Like, not only did I get it on video,

which was amazing cause it was his first one,

but he like fist in the air was, you know,

so excited for himself.

Right.

You know, this is something that he's been working on

for months now and he finally did it.

And yeah, just watching him like.

That confidence, that sense of self.

It was so fun to get to see, you know,

and he did look right up at me after he landed it

and what, you know,

my acknowledgement of his accomplishment as well.

But you saw initially it was very, very much like

his own self sense of pride.

Right.

And, you know.

And that there's so,

that is such an important piece to have, you know,

to have that inside them, you know,

for kids to gain that sense of themselves

and their ability of what they can do.

You know, we also see a lot of frustration,

you know, a lot of times with kids

when they're gaining a new skill.

You kind of talked about that a little bit

with H getting frustrated, trying something.

And we can really support that, you know,

when he's like, especially when a child,

if they're not putting in the effort, you know,

we can provide that encouragement

and then in fact the courage.

But we can also, you know, when we get that,

I can't do it.

We want to add one simple word, yet.

Can't do it yet.

And so they gain that growth mindset.

And this is a great thing to use for anything

when kids are learning something new

and feel like they can't do it,

is to just add that simple yet into it.

You can't do it yet, but you know, you will.

Yeah.

That's, you know, a really big one.

And, you know, we've definitely used it over the years,

you know, as like I was saying, you know,

him getting frustrated and, you know,

then it starts to get internalized

and he knows now that it's just a yet.

You know, he'll get there eventually if he puts the work in,

which is such an important lesson to learn.

Yeah.

For kids to know that if they just keep working at it,

they'll get it instead of feeling like,

oh, I just can't, I'm not good enough.

But we build that resiliency factor

and keeping trying that persistence and so forth.

You know, kids really have this innate drive

to use their bodies and improve their skills.

I mean, think about a little tiny person

just learning to walk, they're falling over constantly.

And, you know, they're not crying about it.

They're, you know, they're not getting,

they're generally not getting frustrated.

They can pull themselves up and just keep going.

It's kind of, you know, like that.

They, you know, they just keep doing it whatever,

when, you know, whenever they have the opportunity,

you know, if there's something to pull themselves up on,

they're doing it.

And I remember, you know, thinking about that later

when H was just a little guy,

kind of watching that process, you know, in other skills,

he was learning to do the hand over hand

on the crossover bars.

You know, it's like a ladder,

ladder that you're, you know, one hand after the other.

And he would start it off.

He'd climb up there and start it off.

And he'd get maybe two rungs.

And then, you know, he didn't have the grip strength yet

and he'd fall.

He'd get up and he'd try it again.

And he'd do, you know, do a little bit more.

And he did that, you know, for a little while.

And then kind of was just like done.

And he went and kind of just like did a rotation

around the playground doing other things.

And then he came back and he tried it again,

got a little bit further, finally was like, okay,

and went and did another loop around the playground

doing other things.

And this went on, you know, three or four times

until he did it.

He made it all the way across.

And it was just this, he just,

it was just this innate drive to keep going.

And he just kept, he just kept at it.

It was really very fascinating to watch.

Well, and I think that highlights too,

like how self-directed skill building, you know,

having it be self-directed can be really important.

And, you know, if somebody had offered to hold him

so that he could get across,

he doesn't develop the same skill.

And, you know, if somebody is standing right there,

even, you know, trying to be encouraging,

he does not as in his own little head about it.

And so I think, you know,

that just really highlights how important sometimes it is

for us to just step back and watch.

Step back, yes.

And just let it happen.

Yeah, he was fine because I could have spotted him,

but he didn't need it.

I mean, sometimes, you know,

and that's another know your own kid.

Because some kids, you know,

they would do better if you were spotting him.

That wasn't the case for him.

He just needed to,

he hadn't started it with me there anyway.

So it was his, it was his.

And I needed to let it be his

and not be interfering with,

oh, well do this, oh, you know,

or be careful or running over to start

to try to hold on to him in case he fell.

Yeah.

It was truly his.

It is, again, such a fine line

because there are times where we do have to hop in

and be like, you know, again, what's your plan?

Right.

But when we can't, you know,

and absolutely that is so dependent on specific children

and, you know, where they are developmentally,

where they are, you know, their own temperament,

and H, if you tried to help him on the bars

when he was tiny, he would get so frustrated.

Yeah, that would frustrate him more.

He gets so mad.

Well, we, you know, some kids, you know,

some kids are more timid or more cautious

and we really have to kind of, you know,

again, accept who they are.

I mean, you know, H was never like just run crazy.

You know, he would do things a little at a time,

but some kids, you know,

they just want to step back and they just want to watch.

And so we kind of have to assess why, you know,

I mean, first we had to look at ourselves, you know,

did we contribute?

Are we contributing to that fear that, you know,

some kind of fear or risk aversion, you know,

by our own concern, or is it, you know,

just a part of their personality?

You know, I know like your brother,

he wasn't necessarily cautious or, you know,

timid or anything,

but he was a little bit of a perfectionist.

So he didn't want to really get in there

and try something hard like that

until he knew he could do it.

So he had more of a tendency to step,

stand back and watch, or, you know,

just to wait until he thought he really could do it,

you know, before he would want to.

So, you know, we also kind of have to think about,

you know, who wants it?

Is it, you know, are they ready for it?

Do they want it?

Or is it your desire, you know, to do some, you know,

for them to be able to do this?

Well, I remember when H was little

and he got his first pedal bike.

He had been cruising around on a balance bike for a while

and he was totally ready for pedals.

And we were so stoked

and his grandparents got him a new pedal bike

and everybody was all excited to watch him ride it.

And he could care less.

Like he could move on his balance bike

and the pedal bike that slowed him down

and he wanted nothing to do with it.

And so it took, I don't know, like a year

for him to make the shift.

And in the meantime, we all have to, you know,

sit there on our hands and not gripe at him

because it was totally, you know,

a parent and grandparent directed, you know,

want of, you know, we got him this new bike.

He should be riding it.

And, you know, he got there eventually,

absolutely on his own, you know, timeframe.

Cause it was very much-

And he was developmentally ready for it.

He just didn't, it just wasn't his desire yet.

No, he went so fast on his little bike.

Yes.

That was where his focus was.

Yeah, he could cruise for sure.

But you know, some kids truly are risk adverse.

And, you know, so we want to, you know,

make sure we're not contributing in that,

but we can also help them find ways

to try new, more difficult things.

You know, one way to do that

is to kind of create smaller challenges

or take a bigger challenge

and break it down into smaller steps.

We can do it together, you know,

letting them know I'm right here, you know,

I'm here with you.

Again, you know, we can do it together

as long as we're not putting them in a position

that they're not ready for, they don't want.

But, you know, like if we're going to make a big jump,

we could both jump at the same time

or, you know, something like that.

Or if they're going down a slide, it could be, you know,

okay, I'll stand right here while you go up the,

you know, while you go up the ladder

and I'll meet you at the bottom.

You know, so that that kind of,

again, we're providing that encouragement

so that they have that.

You kind of already talked about there being,

you know, a lot of different ways that,

a lot of different types of risks that we can take.

So thinking about that again, you know,

if they're not into one kind of thing,

then, you know, find other ways

that they can challenge themselves,

that they can develop, you know, develop new skills

and new things to do to find out about their,

to expand their motor skills and body awareness.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how many times

I have poked myself with a needle.

I definitely call that risky play.

If you're trying to learn how to sew,

you are going to poke yourself a couple of times,

but you also learn how much force it takes

to push a needle through a given piece of fabric.

And, you know, there's sensory input involved in that.

And so, yeah, it doesn't have to be, you know,

climbing to the top of something or jumping the farthest,

you know, something really big.

It can be, you know, cutting carrots.

It can be sewing.

It can be anything like that.

Or again, roasting a marshmallow,

or walking in a stream.

Like those are, you know, everything qualifies.

Yeah, we want to think a little bit about, you know,

what it means when somebody, when a child gets hurt,

like poking yourself with a needle.

Yeah, that's not ideal.

And yes, they're going to cry.

It's not that, it's not the end of the world.

That's not, it's not a serious harm.

I'm still here.

I survived.

Oh, you were, you were always worse with the little,

the little owies than the big owies, like paper cuts.

But, so, you know, thinking about,

okay, what's the worst case scenario?

If they're going to break bones or get a head injury,

I mean, that is absolutely, no.

That is not the kind of risk we're talking about at all.

But if, you know, if it's just a little poke,

or just a, you know, a little bit of road burn when we,

you know, because we're running too fast and we fell,

that's part, it's really part of childhood.

Yeah.

Well, and, you know,

I think that we can also look at it, you know,

I feel like my sense of, you know, risk,

averseness or, you know, being comfortable with risk

has grown with my kiddo.

And so, you know, if you can start really small

when they're, when they're really small

and then let it build over time.

The other part of that is that by allowing kids

to take risks and learn these kinds of lessons and skills

when they're small, the consequences are small too.

Yeah.

Whereas, you know, as they grow, risks can get bigger

and the consequences can get bigger.

And so if we can, you know.

Think of a teenager behind the wheels of a car.

Right, and so we wanna, you know, learn these lessons

when they're not behind the wheel of a car,

when they're on a bike or, you know.

And developing that ability to assess risk,

critical thinking skills, think things through

before, you know, they enter those years of the teenage brain

that is a very kind of risky brain, you know.

Where they do tend to take unnecessary risks

a little bit more.

We wanna have had a lot of practice with risk assessment

and thinking things through before they get there.

Yes, absolutely.

We want it to be routine and already built in.

When the hormones wipe out the thinking,

they've still got a little bit of it

tucked away in their brain.

So yeah, just thinking about it as, you know,

teaching skills, providing opportunities,

you know, breaking things down into smaller pieces

so that they, you know, if necessary,

so that they can then accomplish a bigger feat.

You know, absolutely, don't listen to this podcast

and then go, you know, take your kid out

to climb a big old tree.

You know, it is a progression.

We wanna start small.

We wanna start when they're, you know,

well, start where you are.

But, you know, allowing that opportunity

for them to keep growing and trying new things.

I mean, again, to take it back to agent skateboarding,

there is such an amazing progression

that I've gotten to watch over the last couple of years

of, you know, you start by just learning to push

and, you know, put your foot on the board

and, you know, move yourself forward.

And then it's the teeny tiny ramps

and you learn to, you know, go down these little ramps

and move across, you know.

And then you get to, you know, bigger, more intense skills

and bigger ramps.

And then the next thing you know,

your mom's watching you go down a 28 foot mini mega.

Which is wild.

And all along the way, practicing how to fall,

how to be safe, wearing helmets,

wearing, you know, wearing the pads that are needed

for whatever the skill is.

So, you know, both the progression

and putting those safety measures in place.

And one of the other amazing things is,

something that I didn't know about skateboarding

until I watched Age,

is the spatial awareness that's required.

Big time.

And, you know, if you're in a skate park

with a bunch of other skaters,

you can't crash into each other.

You have to know where other people are in space.

And so, you know, just another example of these things,

you know, we're focused on them, you know,

doing this particular skill and, you know,

there's so much going on in the background

and it's so much bigger than just that individual thing

that they're doing.

And there's, you know, it's always amazing

all of these built-in lessons that are also involved.

Just a huge, huge developmental growth

that takes place with allowing those pieces.

And again, we said before, it's not just physical,

you know, it's brain building.

And so that impacts all the different aspects

of development.

I remember seeing a Facebook post of a little girl,

little tiny, little tiny thing,

up on this big, big, huge rock.

And there were lots and lots of comments, of course,

in the, you know, on the post about,

oh, how, you know, terrible parents letting, you know,

this little tiny person be up the rock.

And I actually, you know, reposted it

because I thought it was great.

But, you know, the thing about it is,

if this little girl was just,

her parent just hoisted her up on this rock

and then walked away, absolutely terrible parent.

But this probably wasn't her first rodeo.

You know, I mean, looking at the picture,

she looked, she had her body,

the way her body was positioned,

she knew what she was doing.

She knew how to climb.

And chances are, you know,

mom and dad were very close by, ready, you know, if need be.

So, you know, it's just a matter of, again,

assessing the whole situation, looking at the big picture.

And, you know, we want to consider

what is the real risk here.

And it's, you know, if we've put things in place,

if we've given our kids the time to develop those skills,

then, you know, we're actually making them safer

when they have that full body awareness,

they have those thinking skills.

You know, it's not having that body awareness.

It's not knowing your own self and your capabilities

that creates more of a real risk.

Yeah, and, you know, if we have kids that do spend,

you know, the majority of their time

just sitting inside with a screen,

they're not getting that.

And so that is, you know,

then when they do go out in the world,

they don't have those skills.

They haven't developed, you know, that awareness,

those, you know, strength or whatever they need

to, you know, exist in the world.

Right, and they may see somebody else doing something

and think, oh, well, I can do that too.

But they've never really, you know, had that opportunity.

So they're not as safe trying to do that.

I mean, sometimes when kids are watching older peers,

they may try to copy and that can be,

that can create, you know, that can create more risk

or, you know, sometimes with older kids with being dared.

But when they have the opportunity to know their body

and what they can do,

they're less likely to just go along

with copying somebody else or going along with a dare

if they're really aware of their own body

and what it, you know, what they can do.

Yeah, and I think, you know,

we can be aware of their bodies

and what they're capable of as well.

And, you know, we talk about behavior as communication.

And so if you do have a kiddo that is running up

and down the aisles of the grocery store,

that might be a little hint that they need to run.

Yes.

So put them, you know, put them in a safe, you know,

place where that's an acceptable outlet.

You know, if they, you know,

my child would literally climb the doorframe.

He climbed the banister.

I have pictures.

Like he was always climbing the back of the couch,

like literally anything.

And so we ended up with those rock wall holds

on a tree in our front yard because it, you know,

then we could say, hey, this is the acceptable place

for you to engage in such behavior

because climbing my doorframe

is probably not the best plan.

Yeah, if your kid is climbing the bookshelf, number one,

make sure that you've got those safety clamps

on your bookshelf.

It's gotta be anchored.

It's anchored down.

But also, you know, it's not just, no, don't climb there,

but they need to climb.

Where can you climb safely?

Find a place, find a, you know,

find a safe, acceptable way for them to climb.

They're like, you know, they're like puppies.

We've gotta keep them running

to get them, to keep them out of trouble.

Absolutely.

That's one of my favorite analogies.

When age was really small,

I would get complimented from time to time

about what an awesome mom I was

because we were always on adventures

and I always had to tell people,

it's not that I'm an awesome mom.

It's a survival mechanism

because if that child was stuck inside,

he was literally going to climb the walls.

And so we did, we were out, you know,

in the world pretty consistently

because that's what he needed.

You know, his behavior very clearly communicated

that he needed to be able to move his body.

And so, you know, that's what we did.

And so, you know, following whatever messages

that they're giving is, you know, is really important.

And really, you know, that time in nature for,

especially for a very active little person,

all of us, you know, need that.

But that time in nature provides so many opportunities

for real, you know, for real play, risky play.

And, you know, it really kind of just feeds the spirit

and it really also really helps smooth

some of those behaviors.

Absolutely.

You know, I think our job is to just, you know,

review the risks that we're allowing our child's,

you know, our children to take

and making sure that they're reasonable.

And then, you know, as much as we can,

stepping back and just letting them exist in the world

in whatever way that they want to show up.

Right, absolutely.

Well, as we come tune in today,

let's leave, we will leave you with our three tips.

So our first tip is first off, check yourself.

Because remember, your reactions, your reactions matter.

So whether it be your own fear factor

and how, you know, how comfortable you are

with varying levels of risk with your child,

you know, having that awareness,

you know, what can you allow them to do

without, you know, completely melting down.

And, you know, how do you respond when your child falls

or there's a little owie and making sure,

you know, we keep that, we keep the calm,

we keep our cool so that they don't,

it doesn't increase their fear

and or their concern in doing these big kind of things.

So don't let your face be what determines

if it hurts or not.

And then number two, start small and start early.

You know, give kids opportunities to use their bodies,

to challenge themselves, to take those reasonable risks

and try new things, to see what their bodies can do

and gain all those various skills that come from,

you know, being able to have those kinds of opportunities

to try, you know, try challenges and so forth.

And then again, providing those opportunities

for whether it be climbing, using knives,

using tools, learning to sew, you know,

provide opportunities for those reasonable risks

for them to try.

I love that.

So for our try this,

I really want to encourage you to think about language

and not default to be careful.

You know, as much as you can use phrases

like what's your plan or did you notice,

you know, if a child says something,

you know, add and get to it.

I can't do it, you can't do it yet.

And, you know, helping, you know,

encourage them with a growth mindset to just keep trying.

And, you know, that you help provide their courage

by encouraging their, you know, their new skills

and their new little adventures.

So this is our seventh podcast.

And one thing we'd love to do is to address your questions.

You know, we've been trying to come up with topics

and different ideas of things to talk about.

But if there's something specific that you as a parent

are, you know, challenged by or struggling with,

you can absolutely send us an email

at info at the guiding mindset.com.

Is that right, mom?

That's right.

Info at the guiding mindset.com.

We'd love to hear from you and we'd love your questions.

Absolutely.

So send us an email and until next time.