How to Be Your Authentic Self Without Feeling Selfish

Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable

woman recognizes what she's managing, understands the responsibilities

that she's carrying, and chooses self-honoring over

self-abandonment, and decides to continue, change, or

release.

I am Elle.

I bring the mirror, the map, and the

method.

You choose how you show up in a

way that honors your capacity.

So let's lean in, learn, and evolve together.

My vision for our world is one where

we are human beings that understand each other's

humanity.

We are not asking each other to live

based on how we expect other people to

live, because Oscar Wilde, I love his definition

of what it means to be selfish.

And it blew my mind when I found

it.

So in a nutshell, what Oscar Wilde was

saying is that if I, Elle, tell you

how to live, that is what is selfish.

But if I live the way I choose

to live, that's not selfish.

And that is what I want in this

world for us to really understand what selfishness

is, for us to live based on how

we want to live in relationship to ourselves

and to others.

Because as I've shared with you, I value

connection, compassion, and love, and love being treating

people the way we wanna be treated.

And I have a very strong hunch that

we don't want to be defined by the

roles that we carry, whether it is a

gendered role or being a parent, a spouse,

an employee, a business owner, we are more

than just those roles.

But we get to bring our unique, genuine

selves into those roles.

And that is my dream for this world,

my vision.

And a major part of that is that

as the adults, once we get clear on

being able to bring our full selves into

every aspect of our lives, we also get

to create a structure and safety for our

children to do the same, to honor who

they are, that spark that they were born

with, instead of burdening them with, hey, I'm

protecting you from my pain.

Really?

So let's not do that.

So that is my vision for this world,

is for us to live from a place

of our unique, genuine selves.

What I call our core essence, and core

being C-O-R, which is in Latin,

heart.

So live from the heart of who we

are.

So I shared with you my vision.

The question is how?

What is getting in the way of that?

I'll go with what's getting in the way.

What gets in the way of us leaving

from the heart of who we are is

the fact that we're very judgmental.

We're very legalistic.

We're very rigid.

You know, I talk to you guys about

those rigid rules that I call expectations.

The expectations that we did not choose consciously.

They've just been heaped upon us by society,

culture, what we inherited, what's innately in us.

Sometimes we expect so much of ourselves because

we're comparing and competing with other people.

That gets in the way of living from

our heart, from living from a place of

uniqueness.

I'm guilty of wanting to manage my reputation,

but I don't have control over what somebody

thinks about me.

I'm guilty of trying to people please.

Like, I want to give my children a

better life than what I had.

I don't want my children to be in

any kind of pain, but I'm robbing them

by doing that.

That gets in the way of someone being

connected to themselves.

If someone prevents them from learning and connecting

with themselves, I had to learn that.

And the last thing I want to say,

it's tied to that selfishness thing.

It's where we project, we take our experiences

and put them on top of everyone else

to say, hey, why don't you know what

I know?

Well, because you've had a different life than

I've had.

So that's why I don't know what you

know.

And we've had different parents, different experiences.

And that is not something to bring blame,

shame or guilt upon anyone, but instead to

really and truly give that compassion and grace,

because if there's something that you don't know,

but I know, how would you feel if

I came to you and said, how dare

you not know that you're supposed to fill

in whatever blank, you know?

And that's the thing, let's stop doing that.

Let's, because that so gets in the way

of people living authentically from their heart, because

no one wants to be seen.

No one wants to be seen as an

outsider in this humanity where we all have

a need, a need to belong.

Since we all have a need to belong,

and we all are uniquely, genuinely authentic individuals

who get to live from our core essence,

what can we do to allow each other

the space to be fully human?

Well, if someone makes a mistake, makes a

choice that probably is not ideal, but they're

making the choice from what they know, how

about we share with them what we learned

or what we see that they could have

learned?

And then as the receiver of that information,

we have a choice.

Is that something that you want to listen

to or not or save for another day?

Because in belonging, everyone has a need to

be seen, heard and understood.

Because to be vilified, blamed, shamed, ostracized, that

does not lead to people living connected, aligned

from their heart.

Another thing that we can do is we

get to look at ourselves in the mirror.

You know, the Michael Jackson song, the man

in the mirror, or dare I say the

person in the mirror, right?

Look at the person in the mirror.

And as you look at yourself in the

mirror, you get to examine how you are,

how you got to where you are.

Again, not from a place of shame, guilt,

or blaming parents or the man or politics

or whatever.

No, no, no.

It's like, hey, what do I have control

over?

What do you as the person in the

mirror have control over?

What are some things that were taught to

you that what's the good and what could

be left to the side?

And you, again, you're choosing.

And as you're making these choices, you join

in with safe, trusted individuals within a community

or one-on-one where you can have

someone read your label and say, hey, this

is how I see you show up.

And you'll be like, hey, Janet, that's, you're

saying that about me?

Yes, I am saying that about you, Janet.

That is how I see you.

And watch Janet's confidence go up because she

may not have been saying that to herself.

But as we read each other's labels, let's

do so with compassion and grace because we

also get to tell each other hard things,

to hold each other accountable.

It's not all about the nice stuff.

And accountability is a thing.

I have been, I've been held accountable and

it felt absolutely atrocious.

I'm smiling now because I recognize the gift

that it was to be held accountable.

In the moment, I wanted to separate from

that person and say, you are my enemy

for telling me something like this.

And they were not.

They just saw like, hey, I've seen you

behave in this manner but today I'm not

seeing it, you know?

And that allowed me to connect back with

myself and say, hey, what am I doing?

And that's beautiful.

Does it feel good all the time?

No, but if someone cares about you enough

to tell you both the things that make

you feel good and those that probably don't

in the moment but you get to evaluate

it for yourself, those are beautiful things.

It's costing you, costing those that you are

in relationship with and costing this world for

us to live disconnected from who we are

at our core.

We are robbing each other of choice, robbing

each other of the possibilities of making decisions

that could teach us all the more and

move us even further, farther down the road

because getting out of the familiar, leave the

familiar, we think the familiar is safe.

I thought that for so long.

It's not as safe as what we think

it is.

So as you're looking at yourself in the

mirror, you get to ask yourself, how do

I wanna be treated?

Have you ever asked yourself that?

It's like, go figure.

And it's okay because again, that is not

selfish that you checking in with you.

And part of that check-in is like,

hey, do I like giving all of my

time to my job, to my children, to

my spouse and nothing to myself?

Is it okay for me to actually put

in some boundaries for myself?

And I learned from my mother that it

is.

At the time when I was a child,

I didn't understand what she was doing when

she would go into her room, close the

door and say, don't bother me.

And we learned as children when that bedroom

door is closed, don't bother her.

And what was she doing?

My mother was sitting in the bathtub to

actually take a bath.

She was giving herself a pedicure.

There was times she was exercising, just pushups,

sit-ups.

She was having spiritual time where she would

read her Bible and have a conversation with

God.

She was taking care of aspects of herself

that her spouse couldn't do, that her children

couldn't do, only she could do.

And by watching her do that, I now

know that it's okay to tell my children,

I'll be with you in a minute and

create those boundaries, create that time for myself.

So I invite you as you look in

the mirror to evaluate, hey, what are some

boundaries that can be tightened up in your

family where you can give yourself the necessary

time you need to love on yourself?

Because again, it's necessary, it's needed, right along

with belonging.

Because let's imagine if everyone loved on themselves

and treated themselves the way they wanna treat

others, wow, what?

Okay, like hear me out here.

So as a parent, what would you give

your child now that you have poured into

yourself and refreshed and loved on you, what

are you now able to give your child?

You're actually able to give them the time

that they need and that they want, that

they've probably been, knock, ma, pa, dad, mommy,

you know, they've been at that door, but

you've like, hey, no, I'll be out, give

me 15 minutes.

It doesn't need, you don't need a long

time, just 15 minutes.

What would you give them?

What would they observe and bring with them

down the road?

Like what my mother gave to me that

I saw her do, now I know, oh,

it's okay for me to do because they

pick up more of what they see you

do than what they hear you say, okay?

And I know you know that, and I'm

not trying to talk down to you with

that, okay?

It's my parent coming out right there.

So let us really and truly love each

other that way and treat people the way

we wanna be treated because that opens the

door for everyone else.

And when you open that door, you have

other options available to you, like going to

a mental health professional without needing to, okay?

Go ahead and do that, that's a good

thing.

Go to a life coach, a business coach,

a dating coach, a coach who helps you

get in a line with yourself, that would

be me.

So go ahead and join one of my

programs.

I invite you to stay connected with me

as you navigate how to align with the

core of who you are and bring that

into every role that you have.

Because let's think about it, every role that

you have, that you carry is actually a

relationship because you're not in that role by

yourself just for yourself as a parent.

Who's on the other side of that?

Your child.

As an employee, who's on the other side

of that?

Your boss and your coworkers.

As a business owner, who's on the other

side of that?

Your employees and your clients.

And when you are in relationship with yourself,

who's on the side of that?

You are, okay?

So all of these things get to be

harmonized and you are the conductor of your

life.

I want you to join me on this

vision of all of us living from our

core essence, the heart of who we are

uniquely and genuinely.

And I cannot wait to have other people

join me, read my label, I read your

label, and we're all having fun, holding each

other accountable.

It may hurt a little bit, but hey,

we're stronger afterwards.

We're better afterwards.

And we create a path for the next

generation to step into at a higher level.

And just as my mother told me, I

wanted you to be better than me.

That's what she told me.

So I'm gonna say that to you.

I want you and your children to be

better than me.

Let's do that together.