How to Reclaim Your Identity Beyond Your Roles & Responsibilities

Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable

woman recognizes what she's managing, understands the responsibilities

that she's carrying, and chooses self-honoring over

self-abandonment, and decides to continue, change, or

release.

I am Elle.

I bring the mirror, the map, and the

message.

You choose how you show up in a

way that honors your capacity.

So let's lean in, learn, and evolve together.

So, you know, I've shared with you about

the various roles that I have.

And sometimes, we call those the hats that

we wear.

I was at a women's breakfast, and they

had a whole skit about the hats that

we, as women, wear.

And it was, I was like, have you

guys been in my head?

Because I was like, that's what I talk

about.

And these roles that we have, some of

us, we actually may carry them.

They may be on our backs.

And it's a heavy load to carry those

roles.

And what is a role, right?

And that's an R-O-L-E, that

kind.

So that role is, it encompasses responsibilities

of a person as they interact with others.

That is what a role is.

And some examples of roles that women carry

are being an employee, being a wife, a

mother, a business owner, a friend, a sibling,

a daughter.

All of those are roles that we carry.

And we try to balance all of them,

because every single one of them encompasses a

relationship that we value.

And that's a big thing about the roles

that we have.

It determines how we show up in relationship

to another person, including ourselves, because as human

beings, we have a relationship with ourselves as

well.

And what I like to really call them

is role identities.

And some of you may say, well, that's

not my, that's not my identity.

No, it's not your identity.

But I love doing word studies.

And in looking at the word study for

identity, identity means sameness.

So if we're going around saying, I'm trying

to find my identity, I'm looking for my

identity, insert the word sameness.

You're looking for your sameness?

I could have sworn you were a unique,

genuine person, a one of a kind.

So why are you looking for the sameness?

But no, you're not.

So you may have something the same as

others, which is why I call it a

role identity, because there is more than one

person who has the role of parent, employee.

That's where the sameness comes in, is in

the role, not in who you are.

And what is my distinction there?

That is what I call your cor essence,

your C-O-R, essence, which that means

heart in Latin.

So your heart essence, you are the unique

person who steps into the role instead of

the role stepping on you.

Why are we carrying these roles?

By saying we're putting on these hats and

we have images of us with these hats

on top of our head, like it's on

us, weighing us down.

But is that really how we need to

look at all the relationships that we have?

That they're a burden and an obligation?

Because if we really think about it, when

we approach some of our roles, we might

give the biggest sigh.

Let me go pick these children up.

My husband needs me to bring something to

his job again.

Really?

I don't think I did that.

That was not acting.

That was me remembering the times where I

was working and I had to stop working

and take time to go take my former

spouse something or take my children their lunch

or their project.

Yes.

I had those big size rolling eyes and

just dread and heaviness all running off through

my body until I was like, no, I

am tired of carrying these role identities.

And I was looking at myself in the

mirror.

I'm like, this is not how I promised

myself I would show up as a wife

and a mother or even an employee.

Because ladies, I would give 10, 12 hours

a day to some of my jobs because

I felt rewarded from the recognition that I

was given for my dedication.

But what was it costing me?

It was costing me relationship with myself, my

spouse and my children.

Being in that role, having that role identity

and carrying it.

So I now say, instead of carrying the

role and having the role define me, I

get to step into it and I get

to own it.

And so do you.

Because what really woke me up to the

fact that we as people wear our roles

is I went to an all women event.

It was a networking event as I was

starting my business.

And it was my first time there.

And so everyone was introducing themselves.

And it was the biggest wake up call

because I hadn't noticed this before until that

day.

And they were saying, hi, my name is

Tracy.

I'm a wife of however many years and

I'm a mother of two and I'm a

pet mom.

And then the other person would go and

she would say, oh, I am a real

estate agent.

I have two children in college and I'm

no longer married.

And as I continue to hear that going

around the room, I was like, I'm going

to introduce myself differently.

So it got to me.

And I said, hi, my name is LJ.

And I am an open, powerful, free woman.

And I value connection, compassion, and love.

And everybody just looked at me.

And there was like, oh, it's like, yes.

And then I said, oh, yes.

And, and I have two children and I

am a co-parent.

So I introduced myself from how I've been

operating from my heart, not by the role

and responsibilities and relationships with others.

I started with my relationship with myself.

And that's what we're going to talk about

is understanding our role identities, the responsibilities underneath

them, and even the expectations that are entangled

in those responsibilities.

All right.

Now, what is a responsibility?

The Cambridge Dictionary calls a responsibility a duty

that a person must perform, that they're accountable

for completing.

I don't like that definition because duty sounds

so heavy.

And let's face it, it's duty.

And we know the other word for duty

is poo.

It's smelly.

It's stinky.

No, a responsibility is not smelly or stinky

poo.

It, from my definition, a responsibility is a

task that we have the privilege to accomplish

in relationship with another person.

It's a privilege.

And duty is heavy.

Privilege is light.

Okay.

It floats to the top.

When I think of it, okay, I, I'm

elevated when I think of it from a

place of privilege.

In being an employee, it's a privilege to

support an organization and receive a paycheck from

them for my support.

As a business owner, it is a privilege

to support women as they strategize on how

to align holistically with the core of who

they are.

That's a privilege.

It's a privilege to be a parent, to

be responsible for and responsible to another human

being from birth to adulthood.

It's, yes, there's some, there's ups and downs

definitely with that role and the responsibilities of

being a parent, but it's still a privilege

of what I get to do in relationship

with my children.

And that's the beautiful thing about responsibilities.

And to name some responsibilities, I'll, I'll stick

with the parent one.

We have the responsibility to feed our children,

right?

That's a responsibility.

Well, sometimes responsibilities get entangled with expectations and

it's the kind of expectations that are what

I would call rigid rules.

Because again, expectations are not bad.

It's just the kind of expectation it is.

Is it consciously chosen or is it heaped

upon you?

And so responsibility, feed your children, plain and

simple.

That is, you get to choose how you

handle that responsibility, how you get to fulfill

that privileged task.

It's your choice on how you accomplish it.

So now we're going to get into those

expectations that get entangled in responsibilities.

All right.

Expectations.

Cambridge Dictionary, love the Cambridge Dictionary.

It tells us that an expectation is something

that we believe will or should happen.

There's musts with those rigid expectations.

And there's not freedom within those kinds of

expectations.

It infringes on a person's choice, their voice,

and just their ability to live from their

heart.

Because they didn't choose the expectation.

It was told to them and forced upon

them.

And it's like this judgment, this thing that

you must achieve.

And if you don't, you're less than, you're

missing something.

You didn't, there was, why didn't you know

this?

That's what those rigid expectations bring.

And to the example of the responsibility of

feeding your children, an expectation that gets entangled

with that responsibility is feeding your children home

cooked meals, feeding your children from the garden

to the table, not giving your children fast

food, or limiting to once a week.

All of those options are just that.

They're options.

They don't have to be an expectation.

Because I remember, and this one might be

very volatile, what I'm about to say, but

breastfeeding.

When I was expecting my children, I had

so many people tell me that I should

breastfeed my children for 18 months, two years,

whatever.

And gave all of these reasons why I

should.

And if I didn't, oh, they would be

sick all the time.

And it was like, for crying out loud,

I'm already scared.

I'm carrying another life in my body.

Why are you heaping this huge expectation upon

me?

And they're not even here yet.

Let me freaking choose.

Let me give birth first and then see

how this part of my body works with

them.

It's like, oh.

And I know you mean well.

I know there are studies out there.

I get it.

I get it.

But again, that was the most selfish, inconsiderate,

damn near abusive thing that people do to

pregnant women.

Like, no.

We've got to stop doing that to each

other, ladies.

Please.

Let's stop.

I have thankfully, finally, given birth to two

children.

Because I, the reason it's so volatile for

me, okay, is I had three miscarriages.

So my main concern was giving birth.

And as I said, everyone meant well.

I'll charge it to their head, not their

heart.

And I get to say, I don't need

that energy around me.

And there's actually studies that say pregnant women

don't need negative energy around you.

And we really need to give each other

that space and grace and allow people, just

lay the information at their feet.

Not the expectation.

Not the rigid rule.

But offer the information for the person to

make an informed decision.

Because with those expectations, that's why a lot

of us end up carrying our role identities.

It's because of the rigid rules embedded in

the role identities.

And what we get to do is parse

out the expectation.

Because the role is part of a relationship.

So you, as the employee, get to say,

how am I going to come to this

relationship without any old expectations of having to

do over and above just to prove that

I'm worthy to get this paycheck?

Barry, hire me.

Proof already done.

So why do you need to further prove?

Right?

So let that expectation go and just say,

what are the role responsibilities of this job?

And do them.

That's what you get to do.

Same thing with being a parent.

What are the role responsibilities of a parent?

And separate out what's an expectation.

And you, as the parent, in relationship with

your child.

Because your child's not like my child.

So that's the important part.

You have to listen and know your own

child and how to bring that responsibility for

your role into that relationship to accomplish it.

That's what we're doing here, ladies and gentlemen,

is we are looking at our role identities

individually.

Employee, business owner, parent, co-parent, all of

them.

And we're saying, what are the responsibilities that

I am choosing to do as part of

this role?

And then you look at, okay, what have

I been doing that was not really my

choice, or I haven't examined it yet?

And when you examine and you get to

see, oh, there's actually expectations, rigid rules in

here that I don't need.

Because it's okay to expect a particular thing

within the role and the responsibilities of that

role.

And when you have that thing that you

expect to accomplish, you take all the action

necessary, make the decisions, make the choices, and

then you see what actually happens.

And that is what we call expectancy.

Expect and see what happens.

That's my framework.

It's expect and see.

Because that's where possibility is.

That's where choice is.

That's where you and those that you are

in relationship with get to bring your unique,

genuine, cor essence, the heart of who you

are.

So you can connect with compassion, treating others

the way you want to be treated.

That is what we will be talking about.

So in my community, you will have opportunities

on Wednesdays to join elevating conversations with me

where you can share your experience.

Ask me questions.

There will be workshops for us to go

deeper and opportunities for us to create a

group or groups for us to really and

truly connect, read each other's labels, reflect with

each other, give each other encouragement and appreciation.

And what I say that we are doing

is that we are edifying each other with

the reflection and encouraging each other by reading

each other's labels.

We are elevating each other with the conversations

we have because as we pour out every

day in all of these relationships at work,

at home, with our spouses, with our children,

we get to have someone else pour back

into us to help us elevate to the

next level.

And all of this is part of evolving

with help.

That's what we're doing here.

And in this evolution, I bring you the

map, I bring you the mirror, and I

bring you the method.

So let's continue to evolve together.