The Hidden Cost of High Functioning

Welcome to Evolving with Elle, where a capable woman recognizes what she's

managing, understands the responsibilities that she's carrying,

and chooses self-honoring over self-abandonment, and decides to continue,

change, or release. I am Elle. I bring the mirror, the map, and the message. You

choose how you show up in a way that honors your capacity. So let's lean in,

learn, and evolve together. You guys are gonna want to see this next episode on

Evolving with Elle. I am having a conversation with an emotional

regulation expert. And Madhuri is so down-to-earth, and she makes things so

real and relatable, that you're gonna want to check this episode out. I am

super excited to see you as you look at this episode. And please, please, please

just share it with others, because we all need the insight and the perspectives

that Madhuri shares about awareness, the mind-body connection, being a whole human

being where everything's connected. What we think, what we feel, how it comes out

in our body, and the stories that we tell ourselves in our mind, which I call the

movies of our mind, where we then begin to create, we use so much brainpower, so

much energy. And Madhuri has a gift for you to help you take that energy

back, and stop expending it on stuff that is not necessary. Okay? So you get to

conserve your energy, get some time back as well. There's some wonderful, wonderful

tips in here that, whether you are an employee or a parent, whatever role that

you have, you're gonna want to hear what Madhuri has to say. So check out this

episode. Thank you for Evolving with Elle, When Capable Women Carry Too Much.

Hello! We are here, episode two, I mean, sorry, season two, and I have an expert

here with me. Her name is Madhuri Garigipati, and please, Madhuri, if I

butchered your last name, please pardon me. She is the owner and founder of Path

to Courage. And today, we are going to pick up where, you know, in episode one,

we were talking about the role that we were most proud of, like something that

we achieved that we hadn't celebrated yet. And I was sharing with you about

feeling like I was bragging and just this feeling within my body, right? So

that is where we're going to pick up with Madhuri. She is an expert on mind,

body, emotional regulation, and so much more. So with that being said, Madhuri,

I will let you share about yourself. And as you share, what is one

accomplishment that you are proud to have achieved?

Hey, Elle, thank you. And it was a nice, kind introduction, wonderful introduction.

And I am an emotional wellness coach. I have worked in IT for 24 years and chose

to quit and start my coaching journey to serve in my community, where mainly they

are high achieving women and high achieving teens. I live in Bay Area,

Dublin, California, where competition, competition, high achieving fan

companies, both couples working at really big companies, and the kids are high

achieving. Each one is an innovator, a 22 year old kid owns a $50 million company

right now. So, but in all this, what I noticed is, there is immense amount of

stress. People are emotionally aware, but emotionally very fragile. They don't know

how to regulate their emotions. And there is a huge misunderstanding between

health functioning versus emotional well being. It's people are thinking is that

either this or that they are not realizing. So I quit my work two years ago

to say, I need to help people understand about emotions, how important they are in

our lives. And what is it that we can do? It's not it doesn't take another 90

minute course or class or something to do it. It's just 90 seconds, how you can

learn small tips and tricks to quickly regulate yourself and feel good in your

body and mind. So that is what I do. And I am a parent of 21 year old and a 14

year old. So I'm in the midst of all that teenage college, you know, yes,

high achieving and everything, everything is in the mix. So I have lived experiences

to share and mainly high functioning women who are I was a high functioning

woman. But how do you still manage all the responsibilities, the zillion

responsibilities unknowingly we do? Right? Like when you talked about, have

you are you proud of it yet? So we don't we are not proud of it, because we don't

see we feel that this is my responsibility, I need to do it. What is

there to be proud of? I'm a mother, I need to take care of my kids. That's a

great thing, right? So one thing I'm really proud of is having the courage to

quit it at the prime of my career. And voluntarily choosing to serve my

community as an emotional wellness coach.

I would be proud of that, too. And I'm so glad that we have met each other. And we

have so much alignment in what we are sharing. Because what I'm hearing you

talk about is the various roles that you have, and then the responsibilities

underneath those roles. And you're like, Oh, I haven't achieved everything yet. So

I'm not proud. But at the same time, there's still this accomplishment, this

choice that I chose to step out of what most people would say could have been a

stable career path to keep elevating on. And you're like, No, I have a bigger

vision for myself. And what fits me is supporting people in emotional

regulation. Is that accurate?

Yes, it is.

Okay, good. Awesome. So with that being said, Madhuri, you are helping with

emotional regulation. And what I want to tie it back to is, how does emotional

regulation impact the body? What does the body have to do with emotions?

So the big picture is the mind body connection. We so let's say, it's not

about so let's say an event, right? Some event happens. Correct. Two people

respond to it differently. The same exact event, but two people different

respond to it differently. Because it is not actually the event or incident that

happened is making us react. It is the meaning and the thought that we associate

with it. When a fact something happened, an incident happened, which is a fact it

happened. It is not in our dreams. It happened, it did happen. Then my mind

created a story towards it.

Right. And that story is based on my belief systems, my past experiences, my

current state, because if the same thing, if it happened yesterday, four

years ago, 10 years later, I would have reacted differently. It's not right. So

my current state, my belief system, my past experiences, it creates a certain

emotion in my body based on that incident.

Okay, that creates an emotion and that emotion creates a bodily response. That

emotion plus bodily response makes me react in a certain way. For example,

let's say my manager called me and said that, hey, Marjorie, we need to talk

tomorrow. It's a fact that he said, I need to talk to you tomorrow. The meaning

and everything I associate with it is Oh, something is wrong. I just heard about

hiring freeze. Is he calling me to say that I'm done? Right. Or he said he would

give me a promotion. Is he calling me to say that promotion is not on the page

even this year. So that is the meaning I associate with it. Because based on my

past experiences, I have seen the hiring freeze email, I have seen that layoffs

are in the plan. I have seen that some people phase one of layoffs is already

done. So this is nothing wrong. This is the meaning I associated with it. Right.

Now, because of that, how is my body? What is my emotion? I'm anxious. My I'm

not able to sleep at night, because tomorrow he's going to talk to me. And

I'm using all this time to cook up as many stories as possible, to elevate my

emotions as much as possible. And my body responses, my muscles, my tense, my

heart, right. Now, what was my reaction to it? What am I doing based on this, I

might call up one person who was laid off and say, Hey, what happened? What

actually happened when the manager called you? I want to be prepared. Or I

would call somebody else colleague and say, Hey, my manager asked us to come

like, what do I do? And based on who you are talking to? They might make this

situation worse or better. Right? Yes. So now my reaction is what is my reaction?

I do all these things, right? The same thing. Let's say you and I work in the

same team, you got a call. And you super chill. Oh, I think this might be about

the project I'm working on. He might be needing an update. Okay, I'll talk to

him tomorrow. And you'll go by your day. Yeah, same fact. Different journey. Yes.

Right. Yes. Now that is the mind body connection. Our body, our reaction is

dependent on how our mind is creating the stories. And when I'm saying creating

the stories, it is not meaning that everything is in my head.

Right? And what as Okay, let me I want to. Okay, I'm so excited about what

you're saying that I got to get my words. So what I call it is the movie of

my mind, right? And as you were sharing about that, that's two people who made

different choices about the same fact, where, in your example, I was like, okay,

he's gonna talk to me, let's just remain calm and not add a story to it. Let's not

add a narrative. And then another person could say, Oh, my gosh, I'm going to base

my emotions, I'm going to react based on not only my past experiences, but what

I'm currently seeing other people experience. So there's also that

comparison going on. And then a lot of times we don't, like our brains are

really and truly wired to protect us. And that's something else we get to keep in

keep in mind that some of our base instincts, snap reactions are because our

brains like, say, let's, let's just keep you protected and keep you safe first. So

it's not going to think about the all of the possibilities beyond just, I might

get laid off. I've seen people getting riffed, I asked for a promotion, I'm not

getting it. When we just breathe and emotionally regulate of which I know

we'll get there later, we can begin to think about just calming that bodily

response and talking to ourselves in such a way that we calm down. And we can

say, all right, that person that I just called, they were the ones that got laid

off. I am sorry for them, their fate is not my fate. Let me look at everything

that I've done. And know like, even if I do get laid off tomorrow, I've been

performing well, I am a catch. If somebody if I get laid off, I can find

another job or do what my friend Maidari did and figure out another path and

courageously take it. So that with that mind body connection, it's not mind over

here, body over here. It's mind body connection. We are that one person where

everything it's, it's like a system, you cannot separate the heart from the

circulatory system, right? So we get to stop separating our brains, and our

emotions and our body and our brains and all of that. It's, it's one system is what

I'm understanding you to say. Accurate? Is that accurate?

Yes. So our mind body is one unit. But oftentimes, we are not tuned into our

bodily responses. We don't say our mind is, our mind is triggering the body

response. Right? We don't, we are like, we treat our health problems separately to

what is happening to us. Yeah, oh, I have back pain. You know what, the moment I

think about work, I get severe back pain. The same day, if I take off from work, and

binge watch Netflix, same sitting, I'm sitting at work at desk, I can sit at the

same desk and watch binge watch Netflix, nothing will happen. If I'm sitting at the

same place and working for two hours, oh my god, my back is hurting. It always hurts

when I'm working. I don't know why it hurts when I'm working, not when I'm

watching TV, the same position, same number of hours. Do you see the difference?

We don't, we need to understand that is where the emotional awareness comes in,

where we need to understand, first become aware, we are just observing, we are not

changing anything. We are just observing because observation gives you awareness.

So actually, the act of sitting in my chair is not causing the act of thinking

about work, the burden of work.

Oh, I have to work today. I have this deadline to meet that and not even that

that meaning I'm giving to that, right? That is creating emotions in my body and

emotions of energy. Yes, they do. And based on that energy, your body is

responding. So that observation of Oh, instead, I can still do the work. I can

change the narrative. That is where I have a choice. I have a choice. Awareness

brings you choice. Often people say I'm a victim, right? I have to work. I don't

have a choice. Tomorrow, there is a release. I have to work every release, we

have work data. And you know what, every release something goes off. They put the

release on a Saturday morning, we work like crazy hours on Friday to make the

release happen. And we sit there, nothing works as planned, something goes

off, database goes off, systems goes off, network goes off. And we end up sitting

12 hours. I know tomorrow I'm sitting for 12 hours. You're already going there

with a mixed ball of emotions, angry emotions, frustrated emotions. And you're

wondering why your back pain started even before 16 hours of work started.

So I think an emotional regulation, a lot of people feel that emotional

regulation means controlling your emotion. Right? Emotional regulation

starts with awareness, not controlling. And often people talk about emotional

regulation after they are overwhelmed. Like, if I come and tell you, hey, I have

a big release tomorrow. And I'm already like, you know, my back is gone. And I

don't know how I'm going to sit and you are going to tell me, hey, calm down. I

know the release is going to get screwed up. Think positive. You telling

me to think positive, you telling me to calm down, you telling me to control my

emotions is not going to help because I am feeling those emotions. They are not

going to take the emotions away or how I feel.

So what helps?

So what helps is pause.

Pause. Okay. And pause, literally the word pause is, yeah, like, relax. Word is

world is not going to end now. Right? But when you're overwhelmed, what you can

think is you can, I have a pause framework, which is pinpoint the trigger,

like what is triggering me to act like this. Here, this is all observation mode,

we are not judging, we are not deciding anything right now, we are pinpointing

the trigger. When does my back pain, like, you know, escalate, pinpoint the trigger

and acknowledge the feeling. It is how do you feel right now? I feel so angry that I

have to sit every Saturday for releases. Why can't they do it on a weekday? It is

okay to feel whatever you're feeling. There is no right or wrong emotion.

So what if people don't know about emotions and feelings? Because from my

experience, I was raised in a home where everything was about the intellect, and

getting good grades, showing that you are meeting expectations of society, culture,

and what people like my parents and the household that created those expectations

and things. So I wasn't aware of feeling kind of words, and the difference between

an emotion and a feeling kind of thing. So what, how could you help someone know what

those are? And then with P, the pinpoint the trigger? What if people are like,

they're just getting on my nerves? And they can't really pinpoint the trigger because

they've never really and truly sat down to name what's observable. And things like

that as well. So I know that was a lot.

No, but I understand. I understand. So I think most of us were raised in a way where

our parents did not show emotions, or they thought emotions were weak. If you would

cry, that's a don't be so sensitive, don't be so weak, right? It is it is tied with

vulnerability is tied with weakness. Yes. But actually, vulnerability is courage. Not

everybody can be vulnerable with everyone. Of course, you need to find the person who

deserves to listen to you. Like, you cannot be vulnerable with everybody, right? I mean,

we need to find that person where we feel safe. First, you cannot be vulnerable. If

you don't feel safe with the other person, right? So how do how do I pinpoint the

trigger is first, if I say that, let's say you are my boss, Elizabeth mean boss, I'm

going to make you the mean person today. So whenever I come to work, let's say the

moment I think of our one on ones, I'm like, Oh, geez, today, Monday, 10 o'clock, I

have one on one with Ellen, I know, she's such a mean person, she's going to dump me

all this work, like three people's worth of work, right? So here, who is the trigger?

Like L is the bad person, she triggers me, she's whenever I think of her name, like, I

get irritated. What we need to do is we need to say what about and do you see how she

laughs as if nothing has happened when we meet in the hallway. But the moment she comes

in the room with my one on one, that's it. She's like, Hey, do this, this, this, this,

like, am I a man or like a machine? Like, what am I like? Why is she not thinking that

this is a three people job? Right? Right. What I need to think is, I have to say what

is in my control here? And is L a bad person? Or I feel L is a bad person when she assigns

me more tasks than I'm capable of.

I like that granularity you just put in there.

When you do that, I am not triggered by it. If I don't do that, I'm just passing through

the hallway. We both, you came to drink the water and I came in. I cannot even stand looking

at her right now. I'm making this everything about you and about me and that existence

of you, right? Yeah. Instead, I can control it and keep the anger and frustration to the

meeting room itself. L is a bad boss in the meeting room. L as a person is very jovial.

She has a beautiful smile. She smiles in a very nice way. I love it when she talks to

me and says like, Hey, you have a beautiful top, something like that. She praises me.

Others are like, yeah, right. She says I'm wearing a good top. I'm looking beautiful

today. I know what this means. She's going to give me one more project. Or there is so

much behind those movies. Yeah. Yeah. Just going in the mind. Yeah. So I feel that whenever

anybody is triggering to us or any incident or any situation or any circumstance to see

what exactly is bothering us. That takes this big thing. You're compartmentalizing it.

You are boxing it into one box. Yeah. And then you have into small thing. We have control

over it. Yes. Now, what can I do about this? I can do something about this. I cannot. It's

overwhelming to think of. Well, yeah, it is. Right. And then, yes. And the thing about when

we make it smaller and we ask ourselves, what can we do about this smaller thing? It's

still not about what I can do to convince or control or manipulate the other person.

It's like what's in my power to do in this situation. And when we make that smaller,

we can think better about it. Right. And for those of us who probably didn't. We don't have

that experience of knowing how to deal with the smaller things. I think that's where community

comes into play, where you were saying, find a person that you are safe with, that you can be

vulnerable and bring this small item to and say, this is what I'm dealing with.

I need some perspective. I need some guidance. And that and with this being part of that pause

framework, a lot of people think pause just means, OK, let me just like when you pause a movie,

it's only for a second. But sometimes is pause also a little bit longer than just a couple of

seconds? Yes, it is. So basically what happens is, let's say your manager sent you an email.

Same thing, right? You sleep over the night. You write all the angry email you want.

I know what this is about. You can't even believe how much I've worked this last six months.

You write whatever you want, went out, but do not send the email.

Wait for 24 hours. Tomorrow morning, if you still feel the same,

then see what is the damage it will do. Then start analyzing, like, what is the consequence

if I send this email? But usually you are in a better state of mind than in the moment of anger.

The pause means it does not mean you are accepting bad behavior. It does not mean

you are in victim mode. It does not mean you're adjusting and settling for less.

It means that, see, remember you said my parents talked about only intellect, no feelings, right?

We all have an intellect. We have discernment capacity of what is good for me, what is not

good for me. But we don't have access to that intellect when we are bogged down by emotions,

whether you know it or not, if you're not aware of them, if you don't know how to interrupt the

pattern, right? Mind-body connection is awareness, understanding the pattern.

Emotional regulation means first understanding what emotions I'm feeling

and why am I feeling this? What is in my control? What is it that I can let go of?

What is one step that I can take? That is interrupting the pattern. Instead of saying,

you know what, just I have this one-on-one Mondays, 10 o'clock, my entire day is ruined.

I could say that, or I can say, what is one step? Okay, I came back. She gave me three

impossible projects on top of the two I already have. So in pause, the thing is,

the you is understand their world. What is why are you like you are, I am pretty sure you have

more than in life than to doing only like agenda for two days. Every manager has much bigger

agenda than that. So understand their world. So there is a hiring freeze. She's not getting any

resources. They said, you have to finish these three. And she says, my team and I have to do it.

If I try to understand your world, then I'll shift my approach. Hey, I know you gave me these three.

These are the current two I have. Maybe I can reduce the scope in all of them.

You, if you want all five, let's reduce the scope. Right now, that is my intellect speaking.

I have access to my intellect only when my, when I regulate my emotions,

if my let my emotions take over, I'm in constant victim mode. I'm in constant complaining mode.

I'm upset with you so upset that I don't even want to talk to you. I'll defer the topic until

next Monday. And I haven't done much during this time and I'm overworking. What is the point?

And I will not be able to do it anyway. Like it's not about just taking, taking and trying to do

whatever. Right. Right. Right. So there's so much in there that you were talking about because

in a question that I have is, is it better to get the emotion out or to suppress it?

And let me say it this way. In my experience, I had a couple of miscarriages. Okay.

And after my last one, I went home to my parents. It was close to my mother's birthday. My sister

also came and she gave my mother a birthday card. And in that birthday card was a sonogram

because my sister was pregnant and I am livid because everyone knew that what I had just

experienced. So I, um, started crying of course. And I went into the restroom cause I didn't want

to ruin all of that. And I had a conversation with my then spouse. He gave some good advice.

I dried my tears and went out and we still play games. People, they were like almost walking on

eggshells. But the thing that I had to do was I went into the restroom and I expressed out loud

to my spouse, this was shitty. But again, that was me. That's how I felt in this situation.

And it was almost like taking the joy out of the room as well. And it took me a little bit

to really understand that that was my thing. And in understanding my sister's like, yeah,

I'm glad that she was able, she didn't have the same experiences that I did. But in the moment,

it was right. Like really truly about me, just to be honest with you, because that was a big

emotion. Right. And I guess I like, I guess I'm thinking about how sometimes some people

in that situation, they just swallow it and then, and never express. And then the next thing they

know the person who angered them or the situation was about because they keep it this big and they

make it small. That person can do one thing that's not even related. And someone just blows

up about something that actually happened in the past. So when situations like that happen,

either you're the one exploding or you're exploding upon the one being exploded upon

what support someone in that situation. So this is where you need to understand based on

the situation, right? We cannot change our external situations, we cannot change the

external people, we have no control on you have no idea she would do that.

So this happened because you haven't grieved enough. You are holding that grief for a longer

time. You suppressed if it is not because about it is not at all about that particular situation,

you suppressing the emotion or it is more than it is before that. How do you process the grief?

This wouldn't have come and even at that moment, you would have felt of course anybody would feel

like bad. You would just stepped out a little bit, taken a walk around the house or something,

not like one hour walk taken up around the house and then you come back and okay, I'm fine.

Right, and we were like, go ahead, because you didn't process the grief, right? So they basically

should be suppress our emotions or should be let them out. It is not, it is not so binary.

It's like explode, suppress. No, it is about that past thing again, where what is the meaning I'm

giving to that fact. When you do this action, you are interrupting your pattern of, as you said,

if we don't express it or observe it or address it, every time any baby trigger happens.

Right? Instead, we are going to interrupt that pattern. That is where awareness and observation

of what is the meaning I'm giving to incidents related to baby related to pregnancy related to

miscarriage. Right? If somebody says, you know, how as a matter of fact, yeah, I had a miscarriage,

but I'm glad I did because I had to go through some surgery after that. And then I had a healthy

baby. And let's say they're talking as if it's a gift that that miscarriage happened. Right?

Because I know my cousin, she had a surgery after that. And doctor literally said,

it's a blessing that miscarriage was a blessing. Because this surgery was important for your body

to be able to house another baby, probably. Right? So she might say, you know what, oh, my God,

I feel miscarriages are a blessing. Let's say she makes that statement to you.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. The thing is, that is her story. Any, any reality, everybody's reality

is different. It definitely is. We don't have to get triggered by other people's reality,

their reactions. It doesn't that is their world. It really is. Right? So many times, as people,

and especially as women, we pick up and carry someone else's emotions, because we're like,

oh, it's my child, if I don't pick it up, they won't know how to handle it. Instead of saying,

hey, I'm learning how to emotionally regulate. Let me also train you on how to emotionally regulate

at your age and stage. So that you won't have to be where I am at this age trying to do it,

you can do it earlier. And you have the tools at an earlier age. Yes. So actually,

we as high functioning, high achieving women are doing a disservice to our children

by holding it all together.

So before you say your next thing, can you please define what it means to be high functioning?

So high functioning means you are trying to wear so many hats that you literally don't have to

take many caps and assume that you're putting like a blue cap, a red cap,

whatever, and each cap is your responsibility. Yeah, seriously, think of how ridiculous it will

be to wear so many caps. Usually, if you think that way, we don't see we women have the capability

naturally, like, like, you know, we have the capability to multitask, we were given that gift.

But we Oh, boy, we take advantage of that. We take it to another level of multitasking.

And then we have to meet all the deadlines to be a good employee, to be a good wife,

in spite of all that I need to be able to do everything as a good wife, as a good mother,

as a good daughter, as a good neighbor. Oh, my, my neighbor is sick. Let me make something and

give it. Let me provide a meal train for them. Yeah, but accept that today, I cannot be a good

neighbor. I have too much on my plate. Instead, I will give a subway gift card. That is something

I can do instead of making home cooked meals. And hey, are you okay with subway? Are you okay?

Right? No, no, no, no, I everybody's baking for the big sale. I have to bake I don't know how to

make I make nasty brownies, but I have to be because other moms are giving me dirty looks.

Did you store store bought those? Those are store bought cookies? Yes, I don't have time I buy from

Costco. I don't even buy from some other place from Costco because I can afford only that.

Right. So what I'm understanding high functioning to be modernity is, as I'm, as a person is

operating in all the roles, and wearing all of those hats that associate with those roles, and

then underneath all the hats are the responsibilities for that role. And it's all heaped on top of a

person, ie when a capable woman carries too much, or is wearing too many hats. So

we're saying that in order to be that good friend, the per that woman is saying to show that I'm a

good friend, I have to make the the food and take it to them. And what I would say is that's an

expectation. That's kind of enmeshed in being a good friend. Because what you were saying another

option to be a good friend is give them a gift card. That's also a good thing. Or if you're

a friend, you know, we're like what they like to eat. And you get that gift card and send it to

them or door dash it. Because with with what I'm doing, we get to separate the role responsibility

from the rigid rule, the expectation. And high functioning people, it sounds like they're

enmeshed in they're trying to do it all. And it's a cost that they're paying to their emotional

energy, to their body, to their mind, to their whole being, and to operate in high functioning,

okay. And they're not realizing what they're doing internally to them. If you see most women who hit

40, they are very capable at work, they are at a promotion level, they are having more responsibilities

at work, their kids are teens, we obviously know teens are loving, caring, are wonderful, beautiful

teens who take the, they will take to the point, right? Yes, emotional regulation, awareness,

mindfulness works when it comes to teens. But this is why we talk. Yes. And the thing is,

high functioning women are not understanding that well being from externally, they look all put

together. They are here, they are there, they are everywhere. But that does not mean they are well,

they're emotionally well, they are not realizing what is happening to them

emotionally. So behind all that workload, we need to see, are you okay?

Yeah, am I okay? And what it does to for me to be okay, I can delegate things, I need not be

perfect. Oh, I am the only one who can do everything well. So I will do it. No, it's okay. If your

kid does a crappy job of loading the dishwasher, but they come out of dishwasher, but they're still

dirty. But it is okay to learn. Right? Right. They're making right, they will learn if you

don't let them do it. How are they going to do it and ask your older kid if they can drop the younger

kid to classes? Yes. Oh, you are witnessing that they are not going in time. You're not going it

not out of the door yet. It's tense. You have to be out of the door. No, see, I always take them 10

minutes ahead of them. They are not you. Let them be. It is okay to feel imperfect, but it will give

you one hour of time at home instead of you driving them half an hour class coming back. That one

hour. Guilt free guilt. Yes. Guilt free. It's okay. It's okay. So for me, I always tell everybody

that there are three things, right? Mind body connection gives you the awareness. It basically

helps you understand the patterns. What are the patterns you're stuck in? Yes. The emotional

regulation, emotional regulation does not mean not having emotions. We are all human. We always

have emotions. We are not robots or we are not angels or gods. We are human. We are imperfect.

We have emotions, but to quickly come out of those emotions, not sitting in them forever.

That is emotional regulation. So emotional regulation is where pause comes in like pause

and see what is the meaning I'm attaching to the fact.

And what is it? The pause helps you from what actually happened to how I'm reacting that

reacting. Can I respond instead of with the choice that is what the pause helps you with.

So that, that emotional regulation interrupts the pattern. And then the emotional wellbeing

helps you change your behavior. And you practice that pause. It helps you change your behavior

towards triggers because we can never control what is outside of us, but we can always control

what can we do? Do I have a choice? And with choice comes the freedom, that emotional freedom.

Am I tied up to the emotions and let them go wild? And Oh, you know, I'm an angry person,

no person is an angry person. They get angry when certain things happen. You do something

come late, you don't respond. So we, instead of making that our identity, don't make emotions,

your identity, identify when certain things happen. And with that awareness, try to see,

I have a choice right now and become emotionally free and emotionally free does not mean I don't

feel emotions. If you slap me, I'm going to get mad and slap you back. But does not mean I'm like,

Oh Zen. Okay. You can do whatever you want. No, no, no, no, no, not a doormat. No, not a

doormat. Actually having that emotional freedom was very empowering. It's, there is this calm

composure within you that oozes confidence that I'm telling you, nobody will dare take care of

you, take advantage of you. That is what, that is all comes with practice, right? That practice

helps you become a very calm. And the thing is you are not attached to the outcome of things.

Tomorrow deadline is they're fine. If it happens, happens. Otherwise you are not all crazy about it.

You're not worried and fear, fear does not drive your life. Right? So that kind of attachment to

outcome reduces when you learn to emotionally regulate yourself. This is so awesome, Madhuri,

everything that you have shared with us today. And you know, I could keep talking to you forever

because I love this topic. I love how your approach to it. And it's it to me, it's touchable.

It's real because you are giving examples, not only in the role of being an employee,

but also in being a parent and allowing our children just to, to learn because I love how

you say, Hey, if it was on me, I could have, I, they need to be out the house 10 minutes sooner,

but by letting them go at the time they are choosing to go, they get to experience the result

of that choice. So, and as, and that's what I talk about when we carry something that doesn't

belong to us, we're trying to force our children out and we're getting upset and save your energy

to guilt-free have that hour, sit on the couch and watch TV to just to veg out and freaking breathe.

And before you transition to the next thing. So what I would like to transition to is what is

the, cause you've talked about it earlier. The pause framework is that part of the gift

that you would like to extend to the, our listening audience.

Yes. So I have two gifts for your audience, the same framework. It's like a journal kind of thing.

I'm going to give one for relationships, like any relationship you have. So I have that. And

then I have one for strictly for parents, then your kids. So I'm going to give those two gifts

and I am pretty sure you will provide with them. It's going to be in the show notes. Yes. Yes.

So I'm going to give you those two things. Those are the gifts I want to give your audience where

it is a practice, like print it out. And actually you put it on your fridge. It's not just for you.

It's for the entire family. And your kids will start mocking you. It's like, what you have to be

pinpointing the trigger right now. My kids do that. Oh, are you pinpointing the trigger? They

joke about it, but they will make it part of their life. That is a beautiful part. So it is not just

for women. It's for everybody in the house, your neighbors, whoever comes put it on the fridge.

It's like an artwork, like pause. Yes. And is it something that we could also color?

If that's something that helps us, I love color. So thank you so much Madhuri for sharing with us

about emotional regulation and being whole in mind and body. So that is super awesome. And

everyone who was listening, please check out the show notes. And this will also be in the vault

for the inspired speaker podcast. Thank you again, Madhuri. Thank you. Thank you. And it

was really awesome having this conversation with you. Thank you. Thank you. That was a wonderful

conversation that we had with Madhuri. And as she shared about the mind body connection,

I would like to say that what I call it is your body mind set, because we talk so much about

having the right mindset, the right mindset. I think we also need to have a body mindset,

like together as Madhuri was sharing with us about the mind and the body.

So, and as she was sharing about that, she shared about emotional awareness before regulation.

And I want to encourage you to look online and do a search for emotions to where you can get a list

of emotional words, get a list of feeling words, because if you don't know what it is,

and you can't name it, it'll be hard to regulate it. So that is something I want to encourage you

to do. And as capable women, when we carry too much, we get into, we can get into that space

of being high functioning. When that word was used with me, I thought that it was a good thing to be

high functioning. And then a mental health professional said, no, you really don't want

to be called high functioning. And I was like, really? And when I had that insight of not wanting

to be labeled as high functioning, because as Madhuri was sharing, when we are high functioning,

that means that something else underneath the surface is not being tended to. So we could be

high functioning at work, high functioning as a parent. And underneath, who isn't getting attention?

You. You as the person, you're not getting attention. And you deserve attention too. You

deserve to be able to pause and take time out guilt-free, shame-free, judgment-free

from yourself and from others. Just take time for yourself. It is okay. And taking those small

moments to do the practice of the pause framework, have it in your vision, like your actual vision

to where you can see it and begin to practice the P, the A, the U, the S, and the E.

It is a magnificent tool. So please check it out in the show notes.