How to Stop Negative Self-Talk, Learn about Yourself, and Change Your Inner Voice

You are listening to The Awakening Woman On The Rise.

If you are a woman who is seeking to live a more authentic life,

but are feeling not enough to step out fully just yet, you are in the right place.

If you are a woman who is looking to live your personal truth

and make the impact you truly desire, you are in the right place.

I'm your host, Wendy Yacboski. Let's step out in this together.

So welcome to session two. And I have a wonderful surprise for you.

And that is that I am joined by a very good friend and colleague, Danielle Benson.

And we are discussing day-to-day topics that not only come up for us,

but I bet they come up for you too. So I invite you to listen to each episode,

see what sparks for you, and take it from there.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, everybody. I am here once again with the amazing Reverend

Wendy Yacboski. Hi, Wendy, how you doing?

I'm doing really well, Danielle. It's so great to be with you again.

It is such a pleasure. I love your conversations. Our conversations are the best.

And I remember vaguely that last time we said we're going to do something about self-talk.

And you said something that was really funny. You're like, I don't feel very grounded in

self-talk today, which is just such a funny thing to say, because I was like,

do you feel grounded when you're doing self-talk? I kind of feel like that's the

opposite of grounded. So it was just an interesting to put those two things together.

So when you're experiencing self-talk, do you feel more grounded when you're experiencing

self-talk? Or did you just feel like you didn't feel connected to the topic today?

Yeah, you know, here's the truth, transparent truth is that there's a part of me that always

wants to help others. And part of me believes that I need to plan for that, which isn't always a

bad thing. But I think that there was just a part of me saying, Wendy, what do you have to say today,

which is an important thing to know about self-talk? Because I don't know that I feel

grounded in self-talk. But I think it's really important for me and, and all of us to be aware

of what that self-talk is. Because, because self-talk is going to be the instrument of choice

of how I choose to behave, because wouldn't it be totally out of maybe intelligent integrity,

that's just what's coming to me, to think that I'm not going to act the way I'm talking to myself,

because it becomes a belief, don't you think? I think it's silly to think that you can talk

to yourself one way all day, and then act a different way. I think that's, that's absolutely,

that is, that is denial right there. I love your self-talk, there's more like self interrogation,

like, what do you have to say today? What do you have to say today? What value do you have to give?

And you weren't, so you're, you were showing up in a place of not trusting your innate wisdom,

your self-talk is, is a doubt, it's a doubter, a doubting Thomas, your self-talk. I do think

it's interesting how self-talk shows up. I think a lot of us don't even realize

how much of our talk, our inner talk, like our brain talk is self-talk, because there's

the direct self-talk, which is things like, oh, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I did this.

There's that. But there's also all these little other things that are, they're not quite self-talk,

but it's the talk in the brain that's going on. That is your perspective, not voice, but voice

in your head. I hear a voice in my head a lot of the times when I think I know not everyone.

I'm very auditory. So I tend to hear my thoughts. I know a lot of people don't.

But do you hear your voice in your head when you think?

I do. Yeah, I do. Sometimes, depending on maybe what I'm going through,

it's not always conscious. But when I get still, when I get quiet, then I realize what that voice

is. You know, something's just coming up for me, Danielle, that because I heard what you were

saying about that it wasn't really self-talk. It was more self-questioning. And I hear,

and no, no, really, I think it's beautiful. And what it made me realize is that underneath

that questioning is a self-talk that I'm not aware of. So, you know, I just want to give us the

example or speak of the example of when, let's just say we had a desire for a red Lamborghini

or whatever. We think our focus is the red Lamborghini, which is the surface focus for sure.

The material is the surface focus or my concern about what I have to offer is the surface

of it. But really, as I learned in the past, that it's how I want to feel with that red Lamborghini

that makes the difference. So, I hope this is going to land, come together. But

when I was concerned about what do I have to share? What do I have to say?

There was a part of me that wanted to feel a certain result, like to feel

a value, to feel of contribution, to feel of what it is that is integrous to what's important to me.

But it looked like the red Lamborghini. It looked like the question, what do I have to offer?

And I actually think, Danielle, that it's quite important to know that

sometimes there's something beneath that thought that's instrumental.

Danielle Pletka Or even believe that. So,

beneath that question, so we could kind of dig, I'm just going to psychoanalyze you for a minute.

I hope that's okay. I mean, I think this whole like, what do I have to say? What do I have to

offer is something all of us can relate to on a day-to-day basis. So, I'm not singling you out.

Because I do the same thing. What do I have to offer? I haven't prepared. What am I going to say?

Comes from this kind of, there's this assumption-y kind of perspective lens thing

that I'm not inherently of value, that I need to prove myself, that I need to bring something to

the table, that trust isn't there, right? Like, if I was like, yeah, I know what I'm talking about,

I'm going to have a great time. It wouldn't be there. And that is also a result of self-talk

on a much deeper level. And maybe not voiced as often because it's so formative. But for many

years of thinking, I'm not enough, I don't have anything to offer, blah, blah, blah, all that

stuff. So, it's so interesting. It's kind of like layered, like bedrock. Like, we have this self-talk,

it creates a self-image, which creates self-talk, which creates a self-image, which creates self-talk.

And there's this kind of layering thing going on. Because I know, if I think of it for myself,

I think of this inherent sense of inadequacy that I formed as a child. And then the self-talk on top

of that is like, oh, you're worthless, and you have to make up for existing. And then that becomes,

that was, that started as self-talk, and then it stopped being talk at some point,

and it just became like perspective. And that kind of hardened into rock. And then the self-talk on

top of that was more things like, you have to ace this test, or it's your responsibility to do this,

or if you don't call them, you're a bad friend, or all that. It's kind of more surface level.

But you know, isn't that interesting, the way it kind of like, you talk to yourself long enough,

it solidifies into something more like perspective. And then there's more self-talk on top,

and it just kind of builds. Yeah, exactly. And it is interesting. And the term that's coming

up for me right now is about affirmation. You know, that I remember finally learning that

an affirmation isn't going to work if I don't already believe that it's possible for me. And,

and so I believe that especially in the self help or self growth in just not just industry,

but we're wanting to have a better life can become layers itself. I was listening to a really

interesting man new to my, my knowledge of or what he does, but is Peter Sage,

and he was talking. Well, he was talking about manifestation, but he brought up the term

identity, what is our identity? And which I think really tunes into talking about in terms of self

talk that, but that lower, lower layer really, in some ways that that identity can change. And

we also need to be aware of what we think, what our identity is, so that we can,

these aren't his words, that we can know that flesh out the truth, you know, about about

ourselves, I just identity was a word that I thought, Oh, my God, what is my identity beneath

what I think I should be and what I'm trying to talk to myself about.

And how much of that is created, how much of that identity is created through self talk. So I love

what you said about affirmations, because I feel like a lot of people use affirmations, like a

bandaid to put on top. And if we think about these layers, like a solidified layer, and then self

talk, a solidified layer, like bedrock, then on bedrocks, one word, you know what I mean? Like,

like the layers of the earth, whatever those are called, I didn't do geography. And if we think of

it like that, then if we put an affirmation on top, it's not going to do anything, because we've

still got all these layers of rock underneath. So I think, I think before we can get to affirmations,

or at the same time, we need to be interrogating, in, you know, digging down in through those layers,

because something that helped me a lot, because I, I still have some negative self talk, of course,

I'm human, but I used to have a lot more. And something that helped me was, I was living with

my partner at the time, and I would say it out loud. And part of that was just because I was

used to living on my own. And I just talked to myself all the time. But it was it became a tool

for both of us, because he couldn't see into my anxiety, he couldn't see into my anxiety attacks

and into my spiraling. But if I spoke it out loud, he could understand what was going on in my head.

And then he became the advocate for me, because I couldn't do it myself at the beginning.

And so it was things like, I'd be in the kitchen, and I'd drop something, and I'd be like, oh,

Danielle, you're so stupid. And he'd shout from the other room, don't call Danielle stupid.

And I'd be like, right, I'm not stupid. I just dropped something. He's like, great. And so and

it took a while. But after quite a bit of conditioning of him hearing me and like,

are kind of essentially arguing with the voice in my head, I got strong enough to be able to do that

myself. And so when he wasn't there, and I said something like, Oh, you're so dumb. But don't

talk to Danielle like that. Danielle's not dumb. And I do it to myself. And it became this really

beautiful conversation. I could start to stand up to myself. Because weirdly, we've got multiple

selves in our heads, right? Like, because you can't talk to yourself, without splitting yourself,

you know, work. So there are different parts of yourself that are in conversation. And I built

up the courage and the strength to be able to talk back, and then eventually start changing

the conversation and start to be like, No, I'm not stupid. I'm clumsy. Why am I clumsy? I'm tired.

Maybe I should have a nap. And you know, things like that would have start happening. So I think

empowering the inner self and interrogating those assumptions, like, yeah, where that's coming from.

Absolutely, Danielle, you know, I'm so admiring of what you just shared, because

I, myself, and I'm sure many of us feel,

I'm trying to think of the word, unstable is not the right word. But, but judgmental,

no, no, judgmental of ourselves, like whoever was encouraged to talk to themselves and be saying

nobody. You have shown a way of the self growing, growing the self acceptance of being able to talk

to yourself, even out loud. That can help. It's almost like sometimes when you're willing to say

something out loud, you hear it differently, you can do it differently. And it can be rather

than the suppression of, I can't know myself in that way. I can't move forward in that way. Right?

You're so right. Because if we, and there's a whole bunch of shame around this,

if I feel too much shame around what I'm thinking about myself, that I can't say it out loud,

I can never combat it. Because I won't bring it out into the open, and I won't deal with it. And

so it gets more and more powerful. By speaking it, which is weird, because usually I think speaking

things gives them power. But when it comes to self talk, I mean, you have to speak it with the

intention to argue with it. If you speak it out loud, like an affirmation, then yes, you are giving

it power. But if you speak it out loud, to kind of air it out and show it that it's wrong, then you

can actually, you can, you can work with it. And you can start going, no, you're not right. Or why

do I think that about myself? You can start interrogating it, and you can start getting

curious about it. Whereas if it stays in the subconscious, and you don't voice it, like really

actually voice it out loud, even writing it out, I don't think is quite the same. There's something

in that act of giving it reality. Yes. That means we can take it to the next step. You don't want

to leave it there. You don't want to give it reality and go, okay, well, that's true. You

don't want to do that. But if you give it reality, then you're like, okay, here's a thing. I can,

I could deal with this thing. And I think that's, that's a really good point. That's so,

you reminded me also, like, none of us are, none of us are encouraged to speak to ourselves and

be sane. One of my favorite celebrities of all time is Dorothy Parker. She was a writer for,

oh, I think the New Yorker, I can't remember. But she was a, she was a journalist and kind of

celebrity journalist and, and a writer, and an amazing writer. And one of the quotes she's famous

for saying is, of course, I talk to myself. I love a good, I'm an excellent conversationalist,

and I appreciate a good audience. I paraphrase that badly. But isn't that fantastic? Of course,

I talk to myself. I'm the only one worth listening to. I remember when I used to,

a few years ago in a job that I had, there was a fire department within that organization. And,

and I asked the fire chief, I said, Are you talking to yourself? He said, Yes. And I'm in

very good company. See, you know, you know, Danielle, I want to bring up something that I

again, admire, and I'm reminded of is, is the willingness to question ourselves, not in a

judgmental, not in a cruel, not in a put self in a box way. But I know that at least maybe I,

I came by this honestly thinking that at that time, maybe I didn't know well enough,

but it almost seemed like questioning myself was not rebellion, but it was like

moving away from a tribe, which at that time was the tribe of my family, you know, and it was like

questioning myself, like, what's the point? And what do I know anyway? And, and I don't mean this

as demeaning, but I'm actually recognizing this as I'm speaking it out loud. So I stopped questioning

myself and just following what I was told was right, what I should do what I had to do in order

to be successful. And what I'm hearing you say, Daniel, and making okay, is, is the power of

questioning ourselves? Yes, being aware of the self talk and being able to go is that really me?

Is that what I really want? Or you know, the various things that you said, because

how the heck can we move forward? When we're not to question something?

Well, how can we grow and evolve if we stay stuck in the same sense of ourselves? If you think of

children, you know, and it's an it's an annoying thing that children do they ask why all the time,

they're trying to be annoying, they're curious. And that curiosity, I think is so important.

I remember, I can't even remember what it was, I think. I think a friend of mine was helping me,

it was something like helping me shop or something. And she was, she was interviewing me,

she was asking me questions about how I felt in certain clothes, and she would keep saying why.

And, and it made me kind of interrogate that and kind of figure it out, because I didn't know why.

But we needed to know why in order to be able to replicate it, right, which total, absolutely

logical, serving me kind of question. And then she did it with someone else. And they were like,

Oh, my goodness, I just felt so picked on. Because she kept asking why. And I was like,

oh, that's so interesting. Because I took that why as a curiosity of like,

oh, I want to understand you better. And she took that why as a, you know, you're wrong,

like, like, like, when we're questioned, there's an assumption that we're wrong.

And I've always thought of questions as being like, why? You know, you know, I feel this way.

Oh, interesting. Why do you feel that way? It's not a Oh, you're wrong to feel that way.

I would like to understand you better. Yes. Whereas I think a lot of people because we don't

question past childhood, for some reason, which is the stupidest thing in the world,

we should be questioning everything all the time. Not because things are necessarily wrong.

But because it'll help us understand things better. If we're constantly questioning,

the things that are right are going to feel more right. And the things that are wrong,

yeah, they're going to fall away. But it's questioning something doesn't necessarily mean

that we think it's incorrect. Like this weird, there's a weird idea there that I just I just

don't get. I really love that, Danielle, because I think it gives certainly for me,

it gives me the opportunity to see being questioned in a different way. Because there was a time

when, well, going up, I felt I needed to justify everything. I couldn't just like something,

I couldn't just want something, I couldn't just need something, I had to justify why that was a

good thing to do, or the right thing to do, or whatever. You know, so I really appreciate

being reminded that, that I give everything the meaning it has.

Just coming to me is something I'm learning. But I'm giving questioning a meaning

that there's not just one meaning for you're sharing that, that questioning is actually

about understanding more, knowing more, even knowing myself more, knowing someone else better,

rather than why is it that you think what you just brought up is a totally legitimate point.

And I think maybe I'm lucky enough not to have had to justify myself quite so much. But

because I was talking about this today as well, today, today, yesterday, you know, when someone

pushes you for an answer, and it's none of your business. And you know, if I, if I don't want to

go out to a party, and someone says, Oh, well, why? What are you doing? Like, it's none of your

business what I'm doing instead. Why I don't want to go. And that should be enough. And so there is

that that can be very aggressive, very kind of manipulative questioning when someone's trying

to make you justify yourself. Yeah, in order to change your mind, or in order to get you to do

they want you to do. I'm very resistant to that. I get really angry. I'll often make something up.

I kept my reason private for a reason. And I don't want to tell you. So yeah, yeah.

I don't like it.

Just in terms of self talk. The question that's coming up is that when you're able to do that to

justify yourself? Yeah. Are you aware of self talk that supports you in that?

Uh, yeah, I think so. I I'm one of those people. And I think this is maybe not so normal. I'm one

of those people who I'm, I feel a lot. And I don't think that's abnormal. But I'm very aware of how

much I feel. I've always been a very emotional person. And as I've grown up and learned how to

accept that and be grounded in it instead of subject to it, which, you know, was not fun.

But as I've learned to have a good relationship with my emotions, I do find that often a feeling

is enough for me. I feel this very strongly. Okay, I know this is wrong for me. I know this

is right for me. And that comes weirdly, that comes with almost all decisions. I don't have

trouble making decisions. Or, you know, like, should I go? Do I want to go? Do I not want to go?

Those kind of things. I always, I always know how I feel about things. Yes, I think is not everyone

always knows how they feel about things. So for me, if I don't always, I don't always feel

justified in my reasoning. Like I don't always feel like the other person will accept my reason.

Mm hmm. But I feel like I know this is right for me. But I don't always want to tell them because

I don't accept it. So that is when I try and I do my best to just kind of keep my answer private,

because it's none of their business. You know, it's my life. I get to do what I want.

I'm not responsible to be people. Of course, you know, I try to be. Yeah, I don't want to be a nice

person. But you know, if someone's pushing you, and they're, they're making you uncomfortable,

you have a right to stay safe. And I think I, that was a very hard lesson for me to learn.

And I spent most of my life feeling unsafe. So now that I know that I'm allowed to protect my

boundaries, I am very fierce about them. But that only came in the last 10 years of my life. Like I

was, I was very good at letting other people trample over my boundaries for the first 20,

20 or 30 years of my life. So I think, in that situation, I might not always feel safe to tell

them what my reason is. But I do feel like putting my foot down is the right thing. Does that make

any? I don't know if I answered your question. Totally makes sense. And I just something else

I'm thinking. This isn't about downing self talk. But what I'm and what I'm hearing you say, yeah,

is I am like, like, when you know, I'm thinking, like, self talk can be great, it can maybe move

us through one awareness to another words in a moment. And but it's not present. I want to say

it's not what? It's not presence. Exactly. And that's like the sense that I got from you,

Daniel, when you were I know, when you were sharing about, that's why I asked about the

self talk. There's a low another, we're talking about a lower, deeper level, which is when we

can get to the point of I am. Oh, my job, my job. When we're present, we don't need to explain or

justify we just are. And there's and I, it's funny, because I tell this to my my speakers all the

time. I say, you know, because nerves are a form of self talk, right? Like when you're when you're

standing up and you're nervous. Oh, I hope I don't forget what to say. I hope no one thinks of all

that stuff that self consciousness. There's no space for that when you're present. Yeah, can't

be both. You can't be present and judging yourself at the same time. So easiest cure to nerves is just

to be present. Because you can't be present and judging yourself at the same time. So that's

gorgeous what you just said there. And that's something that I never considered, which is

ridiculous. That one of the that one of the cures to that self talk and to that, like, if I'm looping

as someone who has anxiety, if I'm starting to loop, I'm starting to spiral. And they do say

this, you know, like, name five things you can see and hear and smell. So that is a way of, I guess,

that's what they're kind of referring to is to getting present. But if I just went like,

what am I right now? Like, can I get present in this moment in this feeling?

You're a genius.

Danielle, you know, I'm reminded of an experience. And I just want anyone listening to know this is

wasn't a plant what I'm going to say right now about working with you. I'm just, I'm just

reminded of a of a program I took with you multi day, it might have been a long weekend or something

like that. And I remember being so freaked out that I could not take notes to speak. I don't

mean take I mean, take them with me. And I remember standing up in front of the group there. Oh, my

god, Danielle, it just and I'm realizing Danielle that in that moment, I couldn't go to the self

talk that says you're contributing, Wendy, you need to say something in a certain way or a certain

level or this or that or the other. I had to go into I am, I had to dig into that place within me

that that knew that it knew but not from an ego place. It was it was like from a place of there's

a part of me that just is there's a part of me that just knows again, not from the ego. We've all

lived to whatever age or whatever, wherever we are. And we know to that level or to that degree.

And so, you know, I think that was a part of me being able to come to I am especially in in speaking

and you're beautiful. The recent, the scriptless speaking, where, you know, being shocked to,

oh, my god, I do know. Like, where did that come from? I know.

There's a well of wisdom within me. Where is it? I don't know.

Yeah, exactly. But you know, I would love for myself and it's something that I'm really working

with is that my self talk to be more I am than I should be.

Yeah, let's get rid of the shirts. Right? I love that I am and especially that I am just just I am.

Yes, without anything else. Just the I am. It's a beautiful meditation, something to that's

something I use a lot when I'm when I'm doing my personal practice. I'm doing my speaking practice.

I just just staying with I am not having to think about it, not having to dissect it,

not having to just as a really getting presence exercise. And sometimes as part of a kind of

self connection exercise, we add an adjective. But I love that so much. Someone I used to follow

said something about affirmations because I have a love hate relationship with affirmations. Like,

I love the idea. But as as they are on the surface, they've never worked for me. So

I'm always trying to find different ways in. And she said something about kind of making it self

talk. Instead of I am saying, may you be may be safe. May you be loved. May you be wise, whatever

it is. And just instead of saying I am which kind of feels can feel like denial if you're not feeling

it. And that just in any time you're in denial, it's going to increase the imposter syndrome,

it's going to increase. If you're saying an affirmation, and it feels like denial, you are

almost, almost definitely doing more damage than you are help, because you're reinforcing that

you're lying to yourself, which is not a good thing. So if it does feel like that, instead of

just, you know, bullying yourself through it, which doesn't feel good, either, because the

right, if it feels right, great, do it. But if it doesn't feel right, may you be like a wish for

yourself, like a prayer or a, you know, or a blessing for yourself. And I love that so much,

because it just, it just made it more gentle. And it made it more like, I'm not in control of

the universe. But this is what I want for you. When I'm talking to myself, and I think,

yeah, yeah. And I wonder how helpful it might be, just like we were saying, I am,

what if we were able to say to ourselves, maybe like a, a willing mantra is may I be

now? Lovely. Yeah, man. Yeah, I love. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought we should probably close. Yeah. So may you listening? Yeah, be safe, and loved,

and heard and curious. And may you be inquisitive in a gentle, compassionate way

about the thoughts that you think, may you hear the thoughts that you think,

so that you can choose to reinforce them, or question them, depending on where you're at.

And Wendy, I just love talking to you. Thank you so much. This has been so great. May you

be joyful and happy and peaceful today. And, and may you be here again soon.

Maybe, maybe to do this again. Another day, because there's lots more to cover.

Yes, absolutely. Lots of love, Daniel. Thank you so much, Wendy.